Here is a truth: fights are inevitable in a relationship. We are all different, sometimes people don’t see eye-to-eye on things, and disagreements will pop up at times.
Don’t worry, though, because a fight is not necessarily the end of the world or the end of a relationship. No, when handled properly, conflict can be worked through, and both parties can learn and grow from it.
In order to have it all work out in the end, though, we need to know that there are things we should be working to say and text and things definitely not to say or text during a disagreement. Mature, nice and clear words should be spoken and used, rather than rude, confusing and harmful ones, which can be tough to remember in the heat of the moment.
To make sure we are all on the same page here, we are laying it all out below, with details and step-by-step instructions. Everyone will find 10 text messages not to send during a fight and 10 that can help cool things down.
So read through them all, keep them in mind the next time an argument happens, and work to make a good relationship last for years to come!
20Don’t Send: Insults
A fight usually happens because two people are not seeing eye-to-eye on something, be it a big and serious issue or a small and silly one. During a disagreement, we want people to see our side, understand where we are coming from, and admit that we are right.
We are upset with the other person, for whatever reason, so an insult could slip out accidentally or to purposely hurt someone. Do not do this! Text messages don’t convey body language, and just throwing out something mean is not going to help anything. Plus, they hurt, as we all surely know.
19Cool Down With: Apologies
Instead of dishing out any not-so-nice insults during this time, we should just apologize. A person may still feel like he/she is right. A couple may never come to an agreement on certain things. But saying sorry is a huge and needed step.
Just texting those little words will help cool down the fight. It may not fix everything—at least not right away—and other arguments will continue to happen. Still, we need to be the bigger person, apologize, and hope that we get an apology back in return in order to move forward on a sweet and solid new footing.
18Don’t Send: Details On Past Fights
A common mistake people make when text-fighting with a significant other is bringing up a past fight. It could have to do with the current issue at hand, or it could be completely random, unrelated and brought up just to throw some more fire. Try to avoid this, people!
We live in the present. Those fights are history. The problems may not be solved, but by texting about something negative that already happened, in the past, we are definitely not going to help solve any of these problems. It can be tough, but stay strong and skip on making this common mistake.
17Cool Down With: Direct Words
The words that should be texted are direct ones. We may be apologizing. We may be explaining why we did or said something specific. We could be wrapping up an argument and spreading some love around. Whatever we are saying in this time should be direct, clear, easy-to-understand, and to the point.
Effective communication should always be used by everyone and at all times, but it should certainly be at the forefront during an argument and should totally be remembered during a text convo since meanings and true feelings can get lost in translation when people can’t see each other in person.
16Don’t Send: A Million Messages
No matter what a couple is arguing about, they are both just trying to get their points across. And when all of this is happening on the phone, it can result in a million messages being sent. One person could be bombarding the other with question after insult after apology after plea or both people could be going back and forth and back and forth… and getting nowhere.
That being said, one other mistake to try and avoid is this. Keep it direct, remember? And know when it is time to stop texting, to swallow that pride, and to go to this person for a face-to-face discussion.
15Cool Down With: Clear Communication
To elaborate on that point, we really want to emphasize how important clear communication is. We are trying to be very clear right now, with these reminders, and everyone should do the same, especially during a fight. What is really try to be conveyed? Why are these words being spoken? Will this help? What needs to be said to end this argument? How can points be made in the best way possible?
With the adrenaline and the heat, it can be hard to stay calm and cool, but it is so important to clearly talk it through and move on together.
14Don’t Send: Photos With Another Guy
This is a tech-driven world, meaning that a couple could be fighting while in different places. So, first off, there is a text fight happening, but then, technology could make it even worse. A girl could be out with her friends, and she could post a photo with another guy, just to make her man jealous.
Of course this will get her man upset, and of course, this will make it all so much worse! Resist the urge to retaliate or to give an unsavory gesture in the form of a photo like this. Instead, utilize the points on this list that have to do with cooling down, like this next one…
13Cool Down With: Love
Yes, all of the points on cooling down could be summarized with this one word, but we are giving it its own entry: love. Think about how the other person is feeling, and think about how we want to be treated. Think about why this fight is happening and about how the issue can be resolved.
In the end, if the relationship is good and right and meant to be, love will win, and love must win. It won’t always be easy, though, which is why everyone must make conscious decisions and an effort to choose it over everything else.
12Don’t Send: Threats
Many times, in the heat of the moment, threats can get thrown around, too, and this is another no-no. Some examples include when a guy threatens to break up with a woman if she doesn’t stop arguing with him and when a chick threatens to get with someone else if her dude does not appreciate her.
Threats come in all shapes and sizes, but they are hardly ever good or worth it. And when anger is already present, threatening texts will only escalate things in the wrong direction and could lead to a breakup or something even worse than that.
11Cool Down With: Promises
We could say that the opposite of a threat is a promise, and that would be a better thing to text. Instead of a boyfriend threatening to break up with his girlfriend, he could promise that he would hear her side before acting out. Instead of a wife threatening to look elsewhere, she could promise that she will use her words to let her husband know about times she doesn’t feel appreciated.
These promises also use clear, direct communication and love, and they could lead to an argument being done and over with, as well as a healthier relationship overall!
10Don’t Send: Desperate Messages
In the midst of an argument, people often send texts that sound desperate. Yes, when people are not just full of anger—which is usually when threats and insults happen—they are probably hurt and sad, which can lead to desperation. It makes sense, don’t get us wrong, but it is not pretty.
We understand people being so upset during a conversation that they are begging, pleading, feeling sorry for themselves and crying, but usually, messages like these won’t help, and they could even drive the other person further away. There are far better methods, as usual, like the one up next…
9Cool Down With: Plans For Moving Forward
A way to cool a fight down is to make plans for moving forward. This is another tough one, and if/when it happens, it usually takes place at the end of everything. It happening at all, though, is great!
When a couple can assess all that just went down and say, “Okay, here is what we do to avoid this in the future, here is our next step together, here is a way to fix this problem…” That is super mature and will help in avoiding more arguments, fixing any issues, and helping two totally committed people moving forward together.
8Don’t Send: Nothing At All
Remember: a text argument is harder than a normal one because the two involved parties can’t see each other; they don’t get body language or facial expressions, so there is a lot of guesswork and a lot of assuming. There is a text that is crystal clear, though—the one that doesn’t come at all.
If a person is sending threats and mean words, that is not great, but they are at least putting in energy. When a person says nothing at all, it says that they have given up, that they don’t care about this and that they don’t think it is worth it at all.
7Cool Down With: Succinct Messages
Those feelings may be valid since there are times when a relationship may need to end since there are arguments that are super ridiculous and there are people that may not be worth staying with in the end.
Instead of not responding at all, though, someone with these thoughts and feelings can just send succinct messages; they will be short, so the other person may be able to tell that they are over it, but they will also be getting opinions across, allowing everyone to be heard. Always remember clear, direct and succinct communication when texting someone! Then later, you can have that serious heart-to-heart in person.
6Don’t Send: Self-Loathing Words
Desperate messages can go a step further and become self-loathing ones. Here are some examples of this: a couple is arguing about a mistake a guy made, and the lady may only be able to say that this happened because of how ugly she is.
A couple could be fighting about whose turn it is to take the trash out, and the man is saying that all of the work he does outside the house is not enough, so he guesses he is not enough. Words like this can happen and can make sense, sort of, but they are also ones to avoid.
5Cool Down With: Realizations
A mature way to cool down is with realizations. Realize what went wrong and how it can be fixed. Realize which words shouldn’t be texted and which ones to apologize for and avoid when going forward in life. Realize that we messed up and will have to keep working to earn back trust, respect, and love. Realize that the relationship is actually and finally over.
There are all kinds of realizations that can be made, and they can’t always be forced. If or when they do occur, though, it is a great step towards ending the argument and bringing about peace.
4Don’t Send: Curse Words
Okay, we have to talk about it: cursing. Some people only let these words slip on rare occasions, accidentally. Others sprinkle them around generously all the time, in everyday conversation. When a disagreement is happening, though, emotions are running high, and these words may pop up more than normal. We are going to say to avoid this if possible!
They add a sting to statements and lead to more hurt and anger. They add a bite to those texts that were already aimed below the belt to begin with. It would be wise to leave these out of the convo…
3Cool Down With: Compliments
Know what is better than a curse? A compliment! We urge everyone to keep these in mind when it is time to wind an argument down. They could be related to fighting; if we go back to the example above, with the couple fighting about who will take out the trash, a compliment could be given about how nice the house always looks or how good someone is at their job.
The compliment could be unrelated, too, since people like to hear what their significant others like about them. So if anyone is trying to stop a fight, try to slide some love and gratefulness into it all!
2Don’t Send: Sarcasm
Perhaps the worst thing that could be texted during a time like this is a sarcastic message. Now, in everyday life, sarcasm can be funny at times and can seem completely harmless. But when a fight is going down, sarcasm is never funny or okay—it always comes off as rude and condescending, especially via a text message!
Remember that the other party can’t see if we are smiling or shrugging. All they see is this text that adds a lot of fuel to the fire. Therefore, those who are naturally sarcastic or are wanting to throw some into a text should think again.
1Cool Down With: Maturity
Last but not least, we have another word, like love, to always have at the front of our minds: maturity. It is good to show maturity in many aspects of life, and it is excellent to show it during a disagreement. This may come across as a person admitting their mistakes, apologizing first, never yelling, explaining things clearly, or nipping a disagreement in the bud right away.
Really, anytime someone utilizes the cool down tips on this list… Well, that is mature, and we hope that we are all able to remember this going forward in our texting habits as well as our lives in general.