Rather than kicking yourself later when you think of something clever you should have said, keep a few witty insults and comebacks at the ready, just in case.
Arm yourself
Ever wanted to be the comic who always has a comeback for everything? Now you can be! All you have to do is commit to memory some of our favorite insults from the following list, and you’ll be all set.
Witty Comebacks
These comebacks are best for those situations where you don’t just want to insult someone—you want to own the room.
#1 If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
#2 The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
#3 If you’re going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty.
#4 I’d love to give you a nasty look, but it appears you already have one.
#5 Your hair looks great! How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that?
#6 I’ve seen your kind before…but last time, I had to pay admission.
#7 I’d love to see things from your perspective, but it’s almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far.
#8 It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a baseball bat.
#9 Why is it OK for you to be an idiot, but not OK for me to point it out?
#10 Your lips are moving, but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah.”
#11 You’re so fat, you could sell shade.
#12 Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. However, I don’t recall anything about morons.
#13 Is your family tree a cactus? No? That’s funny, because everyone on it is a prick.
#14 You’ll never be even half the man your mother is.
#15 They used to call them “jumpolines,” until your mom jumped on one.
#16 Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
#17 I’m sorry. Was that comment meant to offend me? The only thing offending me right now is your face.
#18 You’ll go far someday. Hopefully, you’ll stay there.
#19 You’re free to go. Stupidity isn’t a crime.
#20 I’d sue my parents if I had a face like yours.
Nasty Comebacks
Nasty comebacks don’t require a lot of wit; instead, these will land your target flat on their back and wallowing in self pity.
#21 OK, who ordered the mouth-breather?
#22 You sure have a bodacious rack—for a guy.
#23 Your sister likes it dirty.
#24 I always root for the little guy. That’s why I’m rooting for your penis.
#25 I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
#26 Hey, where’d you get that nose? It’s a “before” picture in one of those plastic surgery magazines, isn’t it?
#27 Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell you’re fat because you’re lazy.
#28 I don’t know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier.
#29 How much do you charge to deliver an STD?
#30 Is that a scar on your face? My bad, it’s just your mouth.
#31 You’re a ground-hugger. A real low-life.
#32 You have an old soul. Come to think of it, your face is old, too.
#33 I’ll bet your voice causes seizures.
#34 You’re why the terrorists hate us.
#35 Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate.
#36 Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck.
#37 I’m reminded of how unfair life is every time I see you.
#38 I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you.
#39 I’d punch you in the face, but the thought of touching your face disgusts me.
#40 Instead of listening to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a juice box?
[Read: 30 foolproof pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use]Funny Comebacks
The following responses don’t require wit, but do require a funny bone.
#41 Oh, a thought crossed your mind? It must have been a long, lonely journey.
#42 How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
#43 I’d smack you, but that would be animal abuse.
#44 Earth is crowded. Go home.
#45 Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out there all alone.
#46 Here’s an idea. Go play in traffic.
#47 So, you changed your mind? Does the new one work any better?
#48 Nice outfit. I bet if you stood on a street corner, you’d make some money.
#49 Hide! The garbage truck is coming!
#50 I’m a little busy right now, but I’d love the chance to ignore you some other time.
#51 Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital.
#52 Keep talking. Someday, you might actually say something intelligent.
#53 You’re like Monday: no one likes you.
#54 It’s a shame you can’t Photoshop your personality.
#55 How impressive! You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time!
#56 You should really come with a warning label.
#57 I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I thought you already knew you were a sociopath.
#58 Acting like a prick doesn’t make yours grow bigger.
#59 There’s only one problem with your face: I can see it.
#60 It’s good to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
[Read: The step-by-step guide to being a funny person and make everyone love your company]Sarcastic Comebacks
Ah, sarcasm. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. This way, you’re insulting them…and they just might be dumb enough not to notice.
#61 I don’t know whether to laugh at you or pity you.
#62 Looks like I overestimated the number of brain cells you have.
#63 You’re not as bad as everyone says. You’re worse.
#64 Now, I understand why some animals eat their young.
#65 No, keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
#66 Talk is cheap—but then again, so are you.
#67 This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person.
#68 Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes!
#69 The person who told you to be yourself gave you some bad advice.
#70 Are you always this dumb, or are you making a special effort today?
#71 If you want me to accept you as you are, I’m going to have to lie to myself about liking you.
#72 You get bullied a lot, don’t you?
#73 I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
#74 I don’t think you’re an idiot…but what’s my opinion compared to countless others?
#75 I know you’re nobody’s fool, but maybe you’ll be adopted someday.
#76 I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
#77 I’d love to insult you, but you probably wouldn’t understand.
#78 If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be stupid.
#79 Impressive! I’ve never seen such a small mind inside such a large head before.
#80 Rotting flesh is less offensive than you.
[Read: 10 ways to make a guy laugh without dumbing yourself down]Clever Comebacks
Clever comebacks not only showcase your distaste—they demonstrate your intelligence, too. What could go wrong?
#81 Do you like nature, despite what it did to you?
#82 Opposites attract, right? Then I hope you find someone who’s good looking, honest, smart, and cultured.
#83 I see you’ve chosen this time to humiliate yourself in public.
#84 I don’t think you’re stupid. You just have bad luck at thinking.
#85 You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball.
#86 Aww…it’s so cute when you talk about things you don’t understand.
#87 Is it your job to spread ignorance? Because you’re highly qualified.
#88 If I wanted to commit suicide, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ level.
#89 You’re dumber than snake mittens.
#90 You should eat some of that makeup, so you can be pretty on the inside.
#91 I’m jealous of people who don’t know you.
#92 If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head.
#93 You do the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly.
#94 You grow on people—but then again, so does cancer.
#95 I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might just find one.
#96 Usually, people live and learn. You just live.
#97 You are living proof that manure can learn to walk and talk.
#98 You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
#99 I don’t know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt.
#100 You look tired. Have you been thinking?
#101 You are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt.
