Browsed through your Rolodex and realized that all your friends are either married, having children, or in serious relationships whereas the biggest decision you have to make right now is whether you want to take home the Merlot or Pinot Noir?
If you are successful, sociable and a ball of fun to be around but still single, there is a chance that you may be a commitment-phobe. This term simply refers to someone who is terrified of commitment and who prefers a lifestyle unmarred by having a significant other.
Sure, it may seem that singles have the most fun. One night stands, flirting with the hottest people in the room and dancing the night away at a mega club may seem like the ideal life for many, including you. There is nothing wrong with being single.
However at the end of the day, you have to realize that the reason you are single may not be because your exes suck and do not live up to expectations, it may just be you!
12 clear signs you have commitment issues and ways to fix them
It is not a crime to live for yourself, but you have to know when to admit that you have commitment problems. Only then can you grow out of it, fight your fears, and delve into a mature and adult relationship with someone special *if you want to, of course*.
The vicious cycle of seeing and hurting people has to stop. Commitment-phobes have the same modus operandi, so it is relatively easy to spot someone who cannot hold down a long-term relationship. Here are some clear-cut signs that show you have a phobia when it comes to commitment.
#1 You need to maintain independence. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in control of you life and destiny. However, if the thought of someone playing a role in your life’s decision making processes terrifies you, then you have a problem.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to you not wanting to make sacrifices to please someone else. You feel that if you open your heart, home and life to someone, you will lose all your independence, which is honestly not true. On the contrary you will receive love, security and companionship in return.
#2 You gravitate towards unavailable partners. Probably why all your relationships have not worked out is because you unconsciously gravitate towards partners whom you know will not be there till the end. Whether you date someone much older or younger than you, have massive religious or cultural differences, is married, lives abroad, or is simply another commitment-phobe, you know deep down inside that the relationship will run its course and you do not have to worry about committing long term.
Whether you realize this or not, this is a clear sign that you have commitment issues. All you have to do is look back at your past relationships and you will find that the one similarity they all have is that they were doomed from the start.
#3 You have not been in a committed relationship. Either you have never been in a committed relationship before, or have not been in one for a very long time. Even if you are currently in one, you can truthfully and unflinchingly say, “He/she is not the one. It’s just fun.” No matter which way you look at it, if you cannot bring yourself to fully commit to someone with the goal of it lasting the long term, you probably have commitment issues.
#4 You judge other relationships. As someone with commitment issues, you probably constantly judge other relationships. Whether it is your best friend’s latest squeeze, you neighbor’s fiancée, or your aunt’s 20-year marriage, you are probably full of opinions and judgments, most of them negative. You think that their partners are not good enough and that your friends are compromising their happiness just to be with someone.
You probably also think that the life that they have built with their significant other is dull and uneventful. You are also likely to think, “Who would want that?” and assume that you have a greater sense of independence and fun than them.
#5 You fantasize too much. You probably fantasize about living a life of glamor with the perfect partner. More often than not, this perfect person is someone totally unattainable, like a celebrity or someone who is already married. Whether it is cruising the Aegean Sea with Kate Upton or moving to South America with Ryan Gosling, you live in your fantasy world more than in reality. You would rather fantasize about having the perfect relationship with someone unreal than forge a lasting relationship with someone real.
#6 You are picky. The person you see yourself with has to look, talk, dress, behave and think a certain way for you to even give them the time of day. Your list of requirements is long and you would rather be single than “settle” for someone who does not check all the boxes. Every time you meet someone, you brush them off as unsuitable because they do not meet your requirements.
There is nothing wrong with having standards, but what you have to realize is that the perfect partner is a myth and that your self obsessed need to control, criticize and judge other people is an indication that you have issues with commitment.
#7 You have a broken heart. If you are still reeling from your last relationship, there is a chance that you are not ready to commit. For example, you may have been deeply in love with someone and even went so far as to believe that that person was the one. However, things took a turn for the worse when your partner realized that you were not the one and decided to end things.
You probably figured that if you built a wall around your feelings and never let anyone else in again, you would be just fine. If this is you, then you definitely have commitment issues. No matter what happened in the past, you need to realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea and if things did not work out, it was probably just not meant to be. Wake up, snap out of your self-created misery and move on.
#8 You settle because you know it won’t last. It does not necessarily mean that commitment-phobes cannot be in relationships. On the contrary, many like the love and companionship that comes with being with someone. The only difference is that people with commitment issues do not see things long term and prefer living by the adage, “We’ll see where it goes. It’s fun for now.”
If you have a tendency to date for fun because you know it will not be long term, sleep around, or are in an open relationship, you probably have commitment issues. Settling into relationships that you know will not last is a definite sign that you cannot commit.
#9 You have qualities that scare off potentials. Whether it is your loud and abrasive behavior, or nature of your job that always takes you on the road, you probably exhibit qualities that scare off possible spouses. Without even knowing it, you build obstacles that discourage potential partners from venturing in any further. This is a way for you to unconsciously build distance between yourself and others. By doing so, you lessen the risk of being intimate with someone.
#10 You always kid yourself. You probably always spew so-called philosophical mumbo jumbo like, “I believe that people have more than one soulmate,” or “With seven billion people in the world, I am sure there is more than just one love for me out there.” All these sayings are just to maintain and justify your single-dom.
You probably believe that you are an absolute catch and that no one really deserves you. Additionally, you believe that your past failed relationships are never your fault but always the other person’s. You have to take a step back and analyze your attitude. Perhaps, the reason why you are saying these things is because you are rationalizing your own commitment issues.
#11 You make excuses. This applies to situations that require you to think about the future. An example is meeting your partner’s parents for the first time. Even the idea terrifies you as you know that meeting the folks means taking a small, albeit next step to solidifying the relationship to a more serious status. You will make up excuses to get out of it, even resorting to falling off the grid for a few days. The same can be said for other scenarios that force you to think about the future.
#12 You love the chase. Those with commitment issues get their kicks out of the chase. Once they get the guy or girl that they have been working so hard to get, they lose interest. If you are this way, you are probably a bonafide expert at passionate yet very short relationships. This is because the moment things hint at getting serious, you run for the hills.
At the end of the day, there is no shame in admitting that you have commitment issues. No one can force you to be someone you are not.