There are a lot of things that go into a good relationship – a sense of respect, trust, the ability to make one another laugh, the ability to talk all night about nothing at all or spend quiet moments together, the list goes on and on. While physical intimacy isn’t the most important factor in a relationship, let’s face it – it’s pretty important. Everyone has a different point at which the feel comfortable getting intimate with someone, but most couples will reach that point eventually – and that can add an entirely new level of intimacy to a relationship.
However, it’s not always sunshine and roses in the bedroom. Sometimes, couples encounter problems that are really tough to deal with. Sometimes, you just feel underwhelmed and like you’re not exactly getting the steamy movie romance you dreamt of. Sometimes things just don’t feel right. Whatever the reason, problems in the bedroom are more common than you would think – but there are some problems you can easily work on and address, and some problems that are a huge red flag.
Here are 15 bedroom problems that just might signal a doomed relationship. Hey, we did say that physical intimacy was important, so while trouble in the bedroom doesn’t automatically mean a relationship needs to end… in these cases it just might.
There are many issues in the bedroom that you can easily work with – sometimes it’s just a matter of showing your partner what you like, and notifying him that no, not everyone likes that, so if you could stop doing it that would be great. However, there’s one thing that can’t be fixed no matter what – when your partner is selfish. No matter how fantastic they might be between the sheets, if all they care about is their own pleasure, and whether or not you have a good time isn’t really something they consider, then that will definitely lead to a doomed relationship. If she likes the guy, a woman might be willing to put up with that selfishness in the bedroom for a short period of time, but in the long run? No way. There are plenty of guys who care just as much about pleasing their woman, so we’ve got two words for you – boy, bye.
14He won’t make eye contact
Guys have a lot of baggage when it comes to being open and vulnerable, thanks to the whole testosterone-packed societal idea that men have to always be tough and stoic and never show their emotions. Even though we’ve come a long way over the years, that thought is still at the back of most men’s minds. Now, we’re not saying that you need to be staring directly into your partner’s eyes at every moment of your between the sheets endeavours – frankly, that would be a little bit weird. However, if your partner isn’t willing to make eye contact at all during sex, that’s taking a way a huge amount of the intimacy involved in the act. Sure, you might have experienced the odd hook-up where it was more about scratching an itch than truly getting to know the other person, but if you’re looking for a lasting relationship, you need that intimacy. Not willing to make eye contact? We give it a week before you’re done and off searching for a better guy.
13He won’t kiss you
What are you, Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? This is definitely a bizarre situation to come across in the bedroom, but it’s one that almost certainly signals a doomed relationship. There are a lot of moving parts during sex and a lot of body parts to lavish with attention, but kissing is one of the best parts. Sure, you can kiss without taking things to the next level, and most couples incorporate plain old make out sessions into their romantic life. However, if your guy isn’t willing to kiss you, that’s weird. If it’s an issue with your breath or your kissing style or something like that, he should be able to be honest and tell you. Otherwise, refusing to kiss someone during the act is likely going to end up with someone feeling like they should leave some money on the nightstand or something – it’s just a strange situation.
12You never, ever finish
Okay, sex isn’t solely about the big finish. There are some times when it’s just as fun to fool around and enjoy things without those fireworks at the end. However… those fireworks are definitely a lot of fun, and something that you want to experience on a regular basis in a relationship. Sex is tricky, and often even the most stable couples might find it difficult or uncomfortable to talk about issues in the bedroom. It’s something that needs to be discussed, though – if you find that you’re never finishing because he doesn’t pay you the attention that you require, then he needs to know that. If he’s not willing to put in the time, and doesn’t care about finding a solution to the problem, then he’s selfish and that relationship is definitely doomed. It takes two to tango, but if one person is having all the fun, that’s just a recipe for resentment.
11You’re uncomfortable in bed
Once you’ve been with someone for awhile, you tend to get to know what they like and what their boundaries are and all that – but that’s something that comes with time and, more importantly, communication. Your partner isn’t a mind reader – while they may be able to interpret what’s an A+ move, they might not be able to determine what makes you inwardly cringe. Communication is key. So, if you find that you don’t feel comfortable speaking up about your preferences in bed, that’s a big signal that your relationship might not be that strong. Or, alternatively, if your partner is constantly pressuring you into things that you aren’t comfortable with, that’s another huge issue that’s likely to lead to a split. It’s about finding what works best for both people involved.
10Role play is the only way to get his engine going
There are a ton of ways to spice things up in the bedroom, and if you’ve been with the same person for quite awhile, it can be a lot of fun to mix it up a little bit. One of the more popular ways to add a little excitement to the bedroom is through role play. However, there’s a caveat. If you role play every now and then for a little extra spice, that’s healthy and just a lot of fun. If you find that your partner needs a certain situation role played, or needs you to take on a certain ‘character’ almost every single time you’re together, that’s a huge red flag. There’s likely something he’s either not telling you, or some issue he hasn’t dealt with – either way, it signals that your relationship probably isn’t going to last that long. Plus, who wants to have to pretend to be someone else that often? Your real self should be enough.
Some guys are selfish in bed and don’t want to put in any effort for anything that won’t directly benefit them – that’s another story. However, it can also be a huge relationship killer if your partner is just plain lazy. It’s like that scene in Friends where Joey knows what Chandler and Monica have been doing behind closed doors because the back of Chandler’s hair is all messed up (“can’t you go on top for once?!”). If there are certain positions that work for you, or certain moves that are guaranteed crowd pleasers, that’s fine. What’s not fine is if you’re busting out the same moves just because you don’t want to put in more energy than the minimum amount required. Plus, usually situations where the guy is lazy means that the girl has to do all the work – and ladies work hard enough killing it at their jobs every day to want to come home and do all the work in the bedroom too.
8You share the bed with an electronics store
Okay, if anyone in this day and age says that they never use their smart phones or laptops or whatever devices in bed, then they’re either lying or a complete outlier. People watch Netflix on their laptops, they scroll through social media on their phones – it’s something all of us know we shouldn’t do, but we end up doing it anyway. However, there’s a line. If you’re both just scrolling through your phones while laying in bed trying to figure out where to go to brunch on Sunday morning, that’s fine. If you’re in the middle of fooling around and he keeps checking his phone, that’s a different story. If your partner’s electronic devices are getting more of his attention in the bedroom than you’re getting, that’s a signal that your relationship probably won’t last that long – I mean, you’d think a real life woman would be better than a smart phone, but apparently not always.
7Your styles are completely opposite
Everyone has slightly different likes and dislikes in the bedroom, and your perfect overall partner isn’t always the most compatible match in the bedroom – that’s normal. In a strong relationship, it’s possible to compromise in the bedroom, doing something that one person loves one night and perhaps something that’s a total turn-on for the other person the next night. A certain degree of compromise is not just possible, it’s expected in a relationship. However, there are certain situations where it’s just too much. If you’re into vanilla stuff and he has a box of accessories that would make Christian Grey cringe, it’s likely going to be a big issue sooner or later. If you explore his particular interests and find it’s something you didn’t know you liked but you end up enjoying, that’s awesome – but if you feel yourself cringing every time you think about going to the bedroom because you know you’re going to have to do stuff you hate, that’s a dealbreaker.
6He’s not willing to talk protection
Okay, there are certain situations where protection isn’t an issue – for example, if the two of you are trying to conceive a child. For most couples who aren’t in the process of trying for a child, protection is an integral part to any sexual encounter. Sure, it isn’t the sexiest thing in the world – but it’s important. The majority of adult women are on birth control, but no method of protection (besides abstinence) is 100% effective, so many couples opt to double up and also have the guy wear a condom. Most guys will try to give any excuse to avoid it because it feels better for them to go without, but if you really feel more comfortable with the security that you’re doubly protected, he should respect your wishes. A guy who ‘forgets’ to buy condoms, or tries to explain that the sensation just isn’t the same and he can’t do anything with one of those hindering his momentum, that’s a deal breaker.
5Your dry spell has become a drought
Even a couple with a super active sex life will probably end up going through a little dry spell every now and then. After all, sometimes life gets in the way – you end up working a ton of overtime on a project, or perhaps you get an awful cold that you just can’t seem to shake for forever, whatever. However, a dry spell should be just that – a spell, a small amount of time. If you find that the last time you got down in the bedroom was last year rather than last week, that’s a sign of a serious issue. While no one is saying you have to be getting busy every single night if you both have exhausting schedules, physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship – and lack of loving in the bedroom could be a sign that there’s a more serious issue in your relationship.
4One person always initiates
Just like different partners in a couple probably like slightly different things in the bedroom, different partners will likely have slightly different sex drives. The stereotype is that, because of all that testosterone coursing through their veins, guys have a way higher sex drive than women, but that’s not necessarily the case – there’s a lot of factors that go into how often you’re getting busy. However, when it comes to actually initiating things, it should never be one sided. Sure, the person with the higher sex drive will likely end up initiating a little bit more because they’re going to be interested a little bit more. If it’s only ever one person starting the party, though, that person will eventually get tired of having to always be the one to initiate and that will likely take a toll on the relationship. You don’t have to plan an over the top seduction if that’s not your style – just try to reciprocate every now and then.
3Foreplay is a foreign concept to him
Men and women are obviously different when it comes to some biological things that go on during intimate moments, and men can often be ready to go within seconds while it usually takes women a little bit longer to get all ready to go. So, that usually means that, unless you’re having a big moment of spontaneous passion, you need a bit of foreplay before things get going. That’s something that your partner should be receptive of and pay attention to. If he immediately wants to get down to business without really paying attention to your needs – that’s not cool, and that’s a sign that your relationship is probably doomed. It takes two to tango, and that means you have to think about both people when it’s time to tango. Foreplay is not just something you read about in romance novels – it’s something that should be going down with regular frequency in your bedroom.
2You feel self-conscious
Let’s get real – women are really, really hard on themselves when it comes to their bodies, so chances are there have been a ton of times where you feel a little bit chubby or a little bit bloated, where you just don’t feel that sexy. In moments like that, it can be tough to try to channel your inner sex goddess. However, in a good relationship, your guy should be able to make you forget all about that and try to help you see yourself in his eyes – as the stone cold fox that you are. Everyone has moments where the feel self-conscious, but if you’re constantly trying to turn off the lights or cover yourself with a blanket because you feel too self-conscious for your guy to truly get a good look at the goods, well, that might not just be a you problem – it might be that he’s not making you feel the way you should.
1He refuses to cuddle afterwards
Sex is about more than just the passionate part during the actual act. There’s flirtation beforehand, there’s foreplay, there’s kissing, there’s a lot going on that contributes to the whole fun experience – including cuddling. If you’re trying to squeeze in a quickie before you both need to be somewhere, it’s fine to finish up and get going. However, that should be an occasional thing – usually, everyone has time in their schedule to fit in a few minutes of cuddles. If your guy finishes and then immediately rolls out of bed and goes on with his day or night, that could be a sign that your relationship is heading in the wrong direction. Sure, not everyone likes cuddles as much, but it’s something that adds intimacy and that your partner might really enjoy, so sometimes you need to be a good partner and give that to them. Seriously, you don’t have five minutes for a cuddle? Come on.