Of course LGBT relationships are the same as any other relationships. We’re all human. Gay couples have the same stupid fights and issues to work through as straight couples. But there are indeed a few things that LGBT couples face that straight couples aren’t subjected to.
For instance, there’s the serious stuff, like knowing when you’ll be safe being affectionate in public. There’s the less serious stuff that’s still annoying, like people assuming you’re straight and just friends. There’s some funny stuff too, like how gay couples end up sharing clothes or having to go to the bathroom together. You don’t want an accidental fart to slip out when you’re in the bathroom stall next to your date after all…
We’re becoming more progressive as a society but that doesn’t mean that us gays have it totally easy now. I wish!
So here are the things that the LGBT people of Reddit shared on the relationship or dating issues they face that straight people generally don’t. It will open your eyes to some stuff you may not have previously thought about whatever your sexual orientation.
15Body Image Issues
“As a lesbian, a big one for me is just the general weirdness of female body image issues. The women I am attracted to are not the women I want to look like. I would love to be as thin and delicate as the skinniest catwalk model, but while I admire that body aesthetically, I never want to bang those waifs. I want to bang girls with lovely breasts and curving waists and the kind of thighs that could wrap strongly around my head. It’s just – weird, that the kind of girl I want to look like, the ideal that I hate myself for falling short of, isn’t at all the kind of girl I’m sexually attracted to.”
I’d just like to say we should all accept our bodies the way they are, be healthy instead of striving for some ideal. I can imagine though, that there could be insecurity in LGBT relationships for some people, in terms of comparing yourself to the other. Cis, straight men and women won’t have this issue because their bodies are very different to begin with.
14Too Close For Comfort
“You have not experienced the true horror of twisted love triangles until all the lines are bidirectional. […]
Just imagine any time you broke up with someone and later saw them with someone you knew, and add in kinda being into the person they’re dating now too as well as still having feelings for them.
Or the True Unidirectional love triangle. Person A likes person B, person B likes person C, person C likes person A. It’s a vortex of suffering.”
This is one of those universal things that lesbians and gays complain about, no matter where they’re from. Even if you’re in a big city, you still probably go to the same few bars with the same crowd or you’re all in the same women’s soccer league etc. The incestuousness of a small community is an unfortunate part of queer life.
13Lack Of Connection With The Community
“Having trouble syncing up with “gay culture”. There is a very strong sense of culture in the community, some people take it very seriously. I don’t participate, not because I don’t agree with it (well thats a lie, I think most of it is stupid) but more like I just don’t feel any connection, but some times I date guys who only hang out with gay people and don’t have any straight friends at all who aren’t women. This can get kind of “weird”. It’s kind of the old story of not getting along with your significant other’s friends with a strange twist.”
I’m personally well into gay culture, but I know people who aren’t and they have their own reasons. Perhaps they don’t want to fit a stereotype or be constricted to one tribe and that’s cool, whatever makes you happy. I think you can do both though, enjoy gay culture and hanging out with other gays, while still doing your own thing and hanging out with whoever you want to.
12Out And Proud… Or Not
“Level of out ness, absolutely. My boyfriend is not completely out, but I love his family. I know they would accept him, but he is afraid. It is difficult because I love spending time with his family. I don’t like being the best friend, though.
Another is public outness. I’m very out, but very aware of my surroundings and safety. We are not big guys, we are small and nerdy. Neither of us is muscular or intimidating. I know that we wouldn’t be able to defend ourselves in a fight, so I’m always looking over my shoulder before I hold his hand.”
You’d think in this day and age that everyone who is gay would just be out. But unfortunately it’s not true, some LGBT people can’t come out to their families for fear of rejection. It’s sad, but hopefully we can become progressive enough that it becomes easier for those people.
11Meeting Other Gays
“Internet dating is so much more widely accepted among the gays. It can be really tough to meet someone when you’re gay because you have no way of knowing for sure of a man’s orientation other than by using intuition. Unless you go to a gay club, you just can’t know for sure. And unfortunately, a lot of men, myself included, don’t like the gay bars.
Most of the highest quality men I’ve met have been from dating websites and I’m not ashamed in the least. There’s a definite stigma that straight people my age (24) face when dating online–at least in the crowd I run in. I always have to preface an explanation about how I met someone with how it’s the acceptable thing to do with the gays.”
It’s not fair. Straight people have a whole buffet of other straight people in front of them at all times.
“I would definitely say a lack of implied attraction at the very early stages of a relationship.
If a straight male sees an attractive female from across the room, he knows there is (at some level) a “chance” that the two of them could be together. Obviously he may not have talked to her there, but odds are that basic framework of potential attraction exists.
When a gay man spots another man, unless he relies on stereotypes, he really has no idea if this fundamental potential exists. Odds are against him. So, for him, he must spend a large portion of his time just finding out if that BASIC level of potential attraction required for any romantic relationship is there. Only after that can the other developments start.
I think this especially true in more closeted circles (like the area I’m from). Obviously in more gay-friendly areas it’s easier to figure these things out.
When explaining this to any straight friends, they usually never think about it.”
You need a good gaydar to work out who is gay or open. Plus, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you only fancy other gay people. That’s not easy either.
9Not Gay Enough
As a girly lesbian, I constantly get overlooked. If I’m in a gay club, everyone thinks I’m just some straight girl hanging about.
I’m not gay enough for some lesbians and I’m forever having to “come out” to people over and over again because it’s not obvious. (Which I realise is not always a bad thing).
As well as guys thinking I’m just fobbing them off when I tell them I’m gay and ave a gf….”
People need to realize that LGBT people come in all shapes and sizes and rainbow varieties. By now it should be obvious, but for some reason it isn’t. As a femme lesbian, I have to come out over and over again like this woman. It gets annoying because you genuinely don’t know how people will react, at the very least you don’t want them to stick that gay label on you as though it’s the most interesting thing about you.
“Not exactly a relationship problem, but I worry about gay bashing if my husband of 11 years and I show affection in public. You feel safer in a gayborhood, but that is also typically a place where gay bashers will congregate if they get in that mood.
Also, when I was in a less accepting place than here, when my former partner and I would kiss on a public date, such as a public park, and there were cops around, we would often get harassed and threatened to be arrested for solicitation whereas the straight couples that were there were given a free pass to go fuck in the woods.”
This is really sad but I had to include it because some people don’t think that gay bashing still exists – it does. That’s one of the many reasons why we have pride, to show that we’re a strong community who stands up against injustices.
“When on a double date with a heterosexual couple there check gets put on on one tab and we get separate tabs automatically every single time. It isn’t a huge deal but after 6 years together it eats away at you and becomes extremely grating.
It’s that old saying: “if you ever forget you are different someone will remind you.””
Okay, so it’s not so bad. But I get it. The little ways in which we’re treated differently gets annoying. It’s like you’re given little reminders that you’re not what is considered “the norm”. For this guy, the fact that he mentions the length of his relationship shows that he feels as though these little things invalidate his relationship somehow. It’s not fair that he should have to feel that way.
6Sexuality Spectrum, Jealousy And Awkward Questions
“Some fear that emerges when one of the partners is bisexual and one is a lesbian/gay. Every single woman I’ve dated has been bisexual, and all sans my girlfriend have left me/cheated on me with guys. It creates a small bit of paranoia, and apparently really isn’t that uncommon.
Also, for females, jealousy. We are still women! I’ll be jealous that she’s so gorgeous, she’ll be jealous that I’m so thin, I’ll be jealous of her hair, she’ll…can’t think of anything else to be jealous of for me xD As long as it isn’t a big thing, though, it doesn’t really have much impact on the relationship.
There is not always a guy and a girl. I understand its to connect it to something you might not understand, but sometimes there really just isn’t one.
Looks from people in public. The nice thing is, usually they’re nice looks, or more confused. Hell, I do it too! “Are they holding hands cause they’re friends, or cause they’re lesbians?” Sometimes it can be really sweet though, like when an old lady smiled at us. It’s kind of a reminder of how far we’ve come.
I’ve been told lesbian sex is better (no word on gay sex. Don’t really want a word on gay sex)
If you’re gay, prepare to have people ask you about your sex life. A lot.”
5The Same Bathroom
“This is less of a relationship problem and more of a dating problem, but I hate that we go to the same bathroom. If I’m not feeling well on a date and need to go excuse myself she can (and several have) just been like, “Oh I need to go to the bathroom too, I’ll come with you.” Woman, we are on a second date, I do not want to fart in front of you yet-let me poop in peace.”
This is hilarious but true. Why do women always have to go to the toilet together? God knows. But it isn’t great for lesbian relationships. Even if you don’t let out an accidental fart in the bathroom stall next to your date, you still don’t want to hear what they’re doing in there, not if you haven’t been together too long anyway.
“As a lesbian, the most irritating thing for me lately is when I talk about how I can’t wait to have kids with my partner I hear “But… you’re both women?!” As if I don’t know that it’s not physically possible for us to make a baby exactly how they did.
Straight people don’t get questioned or challenged about it when they say they want a baby. Why should I?
So their expectation is that I will answer telling them exactly how my partner and I will have a baby, like what method. I would NEVER ask somebody else that, whatever their sexuality. I wouldn’t ask her if her and her husband had some good old P in V, and how many times, before they conceived. I will add to what another user said – be prepared for much more personal questions about your sex life, and your personal life in general.
I understand much of it is from ignorance, they genuinely don’t understand how I can have a baby with another woman, but you know what, google it. I wonder personal things about people all the time. But I don’t blurt it out to them because that would be rude, and it’s not my place to ask them to explain themselves to sate my curiosity.”
“I’m not sure if this is only a problem for lesbians, but telling someone who is coming on to you/your SO in a bar (or similar, wherever that happens) that you are a couple. From my experience this does nothing but encourage guys, and they invariably ask you to “kiss to prove it” and continue to harass you for a while.
I’ve just started pretending to be dating one of my male friends when this happens now, to which the usual response is “oh, sorry dude!” and backing off instantly.
I understand that a lot of straight men are attracted to the idea of lesbians, but that kind of situation does get tiring.”
I also get straight men asking if I have ever slept with a man. It’s ridiculous, I wouldn’t go asking about their past sexual encounters. But they think it’s okay in order to get definitive proof of someone’s sexuality. Stupid.
“Arriving at a hotel, potentially in a foreign country, where you may not be familiar with their attitude or openness. Most assume a mistake was made with the booking and will try to correct it by changing to a twin room.
Once this was to our benefit as we had both caught food poisoning on our flight. Anyone who has been that ill knows you do not want to share personal space with anyone in that state.”
In all honesty, LGBT people will look up travel destinations to see how friendly they are before they go. It might be annoying that you have to do that in the first place. But it’s important to feel safe and comfortable. There are still 70+ countries where homosexuality is illegal.
1The Relationship Is Seen As Less Meaningful
“That your relationship is seen as -or hoped to be – less meaningful/permanent by your family, especially if one of you is the other’s first (or the first the family knows about ;)). It’s not even necessarily malicious, but there are really no road maps for what a queer relationship is supposed to be (they follow straight relationship norms until they don’t) so your family often doesn’t know what to expect and is usually afraid to ask. There is no “are you going to get married?” “do you want kids?” “are you buying a house?” because they are afraid to ask; either they are waiting for the relationship to fail or they are afraid of offending you.
Also, as the partner who came out to the family later, most of our interactions are colored by this deep dark hope that this is just a phase and I will “come to my senses.” And I have really progressive hippie parents who love my partner – she is just embodies the death of an ideal they had for what my life would look like.”