The word “comfortable” definitely has all kinds of positive associations, but when it comes to relationships, it can be used in a negative way as well. We like comfortable clothes and comfortable beds because they make our lives easier, but being too comfortable in a relationship can mean falling into a routine and not necessarily being happy with that comfort level. Complacency is never a good thing, and comfortable relationships can allow that to grow when we aren’t paying attention. You don’t want a stressful relationship, but it should be dynamic and provide opportunities to grow at the same time that it feels safe to be in it. It’s a bit complicated, that’s for sure. How long it takes you to reach that super comfy stage depends on who you are and who you’re seeing, and once you reach that level, things are probably not going to change until you make them. Here are 15 of the pros and cons of being super comfortable in a relationship.
15Pro: No Dating Stress
If you’re in a comfortable relationship, then you don’t have to worry about dating for, well, super obvious reasons. The stresses of dating aren’t necessarily bad (although they can be), but even the excitement and anticipation and new feelings can be a bit overwhelming and make you crazy stressed out. It’s not sustainable to be up, down, and all over the place all day long, so when you reach the point where being with someone is just comfortable you don’t have to worry about that stuff. You’re not excited about meeting people and then getting let down when they aren’t as great as their Tinder profile made them seem, you aren’t anxiously waiting for his texts and over-analyzing every word of them, you aren’t trying to come off as a slightly better version of yourself to impress someone, and you aren’t having to hold back saying “I love you” when it’s too soon to do so but you already know.
14Con: You Could Get Stuck With The Wrong Guy
Having no stress at all isn’t necessarily a really good thing… and sometimes not having to think about the relationship at all makes it more likely that you could stay in it for the wrong reasons. Just because there aren’t any conflicts doesn’t mean that it’s particularly amazing, right? Plus, some people would say that when you end up with someone you’re in love with there’s always some of that butterfly feeling when you’re with them, at least some of the time. So when there isn’t anything that reminds you that you’re in a relationship at all it might have gone too far over to the side of comfort and not be enough of a zing to be a lasting love. The problem, of course, is that when it’s comfortable there’s not necessarily a push to leave like when you’re fighting nonstop and are certain that the relationship should be over. You don’t know for sure that it’s wrong, so you might stay too long even if it is.
13Pro: You Don’t Feel Pressure To Look Good
Being comfortable in a relationship means that you already know that guy is into you and thinks you’re hot, so that’s always nice. At the beginning of the relationship, you spent 30 minutes perfecting your natural look: appearing flawless without having too much makeup on. You used to sneak into the bathroom before he woke up to dab your face shine and make sure your eye makeup hadn’t run all over your face. But now you’re comfortable washing your face in front of him and hanging out bare faced. It’s comfortable and natural, just like what you might be doing if you were hanging out at home doing nothing on your own. Even when you go out you don’t necessarily feel the need to look your best, since you already landed the guy you want. You’re fine with repeating outfits and rocking a ponytail so you can skip a hair wash… or five. It’s really nice to be looked at like you’re beautiful even when you’re not trying.
12Con: Neither Does He
Oh. Oh yeah. If your relationship has reached a point of total comfort and no one is worried about impressing the other person anymore, that can be a moment where people start to let themselves slip a bit. We don’t want that. Guys don’t exactly start off wearing makeup or anything so there isn’t a change like that from him, but sometimes when guys get comfortable in a relationship they eat more and workout less, meaning he might not be the chiseled hottie that you first fell for. Not that there’s anything wrong with that exactly, but if you think he looked better before that can get a little irritating. Some people are comfortable talking about stuff like that but other people don’t think it’s appropriate or know how to go about doing that without hurting someone’s feelings, so they don’t. Then every time he decides to skip the gym you’ll shake your head inside and wonder why this guy just isn’t willing to make an effort anymore.
11Pro: You Have A Built In Date
When you’ve reached the point of full comfort in a relationship, there aren’t any questions about the status of your relationship, so it’s always a given that he’ll be your date for whatever event you’ve got going on. You don’t even have to ask him, you basically just tell him what’s coming and he’s expected to go. You don’t have to ask all your friends and hope someone is free, or wonder if it’s too early in a relationship to ask a guy to attend a wedding with you. There’s no chance of scaring this guy off because you’re passed that stage of the relationship. Not only do you have a date for everything but you also have someone to drive you, it’s just a perfectly put together situation. You already know exactly how well behaved (or not) he is when he drinks so you don’t have to worry about any surprises in that way. He already knows your friends and family so there isn’t any awkward introductions or anything.
10Con: You’re Expected To Take Him Everywhere
The problem with having a built in date for everything is that people expect you to bring your boyfriend literally everywhere that you go, whether you want to or not. If you show up somewhere without him, people are going to ask where he is, and when you say he’s at home they’re automatically going to assume that there’s trouble in paradise, not that it’s any of their business. And if you realize that you don’t really want him with you all the time that might either be a sign that it’s time to change some things up in the relationship, or that perhaps it isn’t the best relationship for you after all. Sometimes people just need different amounts of personal space in a relationship, and you might need more time apart than he does. When two people in a relationship don’t see eye to eye about that it can cause a lot of issues, of course, since you don’t want to hurt his feelings or anything. Sometimes the more comfortable a relationship is the harder it gets to bring those things up later.
9Pro: You’re Comfy In Bed
When you’re in a comfortable relationship with someone you know all about what they like and don’t like in bed, so there aren’t any surprises in that department. This is nice for a lot of reasons. You both are comfortable asking for it as well as denying it when you’re not there mentally. You know each other well enough that the experience can always be a satisfying one, and no matter what happens there aren’t going to be any embarrassing or awkward moments. You guys have already seen it all, so it’s cool. Whatever happens is fair game. This can also mean that when anyone wants to try something new or switch things up they don’t feel shy about asking for it like they might in a newer relationship. The comfort allows you to feel safe with someone so you might be a little more adventurous than you would be with someone else. This also means that you guys can get things done quickly if you need to without offending the other person. There’s nothing wrong with a quickie here and there.
8Con: Things Can Get Boring
The downside of course to being super comfortable in a relationship is that the intimacy is at risk of getting monotonous or even downright boring. Sometimes people get so comfortable in a relationship in fact that they lose that whole spark altogether. The problem is that a lot of relationships can head into the direction of comfort when people are actually more like friends, not a real romantic couple. Of course, you don’t want to get sexy with your friends, so you might not feel like jumping on a guy you’re in a too comfortable relationship either. Sometimes the spark just wears off because you’ve gotten so comfortable doing the same thing that you know exactly what to expect every time and it doesn’t seem exciting anymore. Maybe even worse it wasn’t mind-blowing to begin with so when it starts to feel routine in the slightest it gets downgraded on the list of priorities. That’s never good and can ruin your intimate life altogether.
7Pro: You’re Not Worried About Losing Them
In a very comfortable relationship, you might not have a single worry that you could lose the person. Your lives are totally intertwined in every aspect. Maybe you even live together. So living and being together is more natural than functioning apart at this point. This is a totally different level of comfort compared to a relationship where there are any (or many) unknowns going on. When you don’t have to think about where the relationship is going or whether it’s going to last there is a lot more time left over to just enjoy spending time with someone or focusing on other important things in life. Romantic relationships can be pretty consuming which is great but it’s also a lot of work, so when they just exist without being stressful or questionable it can be pretty nice. You might have to listen to your friends being all over the place with the state of their relationships, but in a comfortable relationship you can’t relate and you’re okay with that.
6Con: You’re Complacent
On the other hand, sometimes being in an overly comfortable relationship means that you’ve settled into it a bit and might even be a bit complacent there. You’re not worried about losing them, but because of that, you don’t feel like you have to put a ton of effort toward the relationship or give them any credit for sticking around. You just take it for granted that they do. This is not a great position to be in. Even though you’re guaranteed that the boat isn’t going to rock anytime soon, it’s also not serving as something that’s necessarily making your life fun and exciting. It’s fine to be comfortable, but not at that expense of having wonderfully fulfilling experiences. You deserve to feel in love with and thrilled by the person that you’re dating regardless of how long you’ve been dating them. Sure, it’s definitely to keep that feeling going, and you’ll probably want to make sure that you feel it if you’re actually going to marry this person or something.
5Pro: You Don’t Have To Change
When we get into a new relationship, there are some things that we have to change. It’s not necessarily negative or controlling (unless it is and then you know you have to leave immediately). But it’s pretty much time to focus and step it up. Maybe you have to stop dating multiple people at once, or agree to share your bed, or care about another person as much as yourself, whatever. But when you’re in a comfortable relationship you’ve already made it past all of that stuff and made whatever changes were necessary to get that far into the relationship. And the other person did the same to get into the relationship with you. Now that you guys did that you’re just kind of existing in your relationship, and while there are always things to deal with there aren’t like major barriers in the relationship anymore. You’ve already gotten to know one another deeply, and you’ve already come to terms with who you are and who they are, and you’ve seemed to accept it and worked things out.
On the other hand, when you get complacent in a relationship or overly comfortable, you just might not be motivated to change in a positive way, either. In reality, we should really be changing all the time because there’s always room to grow and there are always new things to try. It’s impossible to not meet new people or try new things and have those experiences change you in some ways, and hopefully, as we make mistakes along the way (which we all do) that we’re learning how to do better every time. We are offered choices every single day and if we’re not making good ones eventually it will catch up to us. If we’re not ever changing we end up stagnant and not living up to our potential. Even if we try specifically not to change for some reason, the rest of the world has a way of moving around us which renders our standing still meaningless, it’s actually easier to go with the flow than not. Dynamic relationships will encourage us to change and grow in good ways all the time.
3Pro: You Know Everything About Him
When you’re totally comfortable in a relationship, you might know pretty much everything that there is to know about that person, which can be awesome. You don’t have to ask to know where they would want to go to dinner, you know why they’re in a certain mood even when they aren’t communicating with you directly, you can offer them advice that’s relevant because you know them pretty much as well as you know yourself. This can be a really nice place to be when the other person is receptive to hearing your ideas, because it just serves to help you two work as a single unit, as a team. You don’t have to spend so much time figuring things out to connect on a deep level, you get to jump past that and start enjoying. There’s a closeness that can’t be replicated with people with who we know well. It’s fun, and it gives you the freedom to be yourself all the time because you know exactly how they will react or not react to your behavior and thoughts.
If you feel like you already know someone incredibly well, that can be pretty frustrating sometimes. People who are very close tend to bring up different things in one another than a stranger might. Like it wouldn’t irritate you if one person made a reference to your outfit but from someone that you’re close to the same reference could feel like a stinging barb that was incredibly insulting (how dare they!!!). This isn’t bad exactly. The only time it’s bad to feel like you know someone that well is if either they aren’t growing and changing so it becomes boring, or if someone is manipulating you because of how totally close you are. If you know someone well enough to know how they will react to something it can be easy to make decisions based on knowing the outcome. That can veer into some very complicated directions and not always good ones.
1Complicated: Wondering If Comfortable Is Good Or Bad
Another thing that happens when you’re in a comfortable relationship is that you have to wonder whether being comfortable is a good or a bad thing. As we’ve seen, it can totally be both, and it’s not always obvious which option you’re leaning more heavily toward. So when you realize that your relationship is comfortable, or someone else labels it that way, then you start to think about how that’s true and if it means that you’re meant to be or past your peak. If you’re an over-thinker this can get complex. However, it’s never a bad thing to take stock of where your relationship is at and why. It’s actually better to do so. The only time we can really know what we’re working with in life and where to go from there is to see exactly how things are… whether we want to classify them as good or bad. What seems good or bad is really just a way to determine what we want more of or less of in life, not something that needs to be judged either way. Phew. Isn’t love great?!