Knowing when to end a relationship isn’t as easy as you might think. There are many factors to take into consideration like feelings, memories, potential, risks, and health. Relationships can be confusing AF, but ending them can be even more messy. Deep down, though, you know if it needs to end; deep down, you already know that you’ve been checked out for quite some time. While there are highlights to most relationships, that is no reason to keep hanging on. Life is so much more than the highlight reel and life is so much more than a romantic relationship. Just because you fell hard for each other doesn’t mean that it will be like that forever or even that it means forever. People come and go, another one bites the dust, and all that jazz –these are the experiences that make our lives exciting and make us who we are today. Don’t toil over a decision for reasons that don’t benefit your life, your health, and yourself. Don’t stay with someone because the world says you should. Girl, listen to your heart. But also have a look at some signs that you’ve already left the relationship; now it’s just a matter of confronting the issue like an adult.
15You’re Spending less time together
It might not be on purpose, even. You might just naturally drift away from each other. Or it might be on purpose. Little by little, you find ways to escape being in his presence or excuses for not being able to spend time with him. He might even make you feel uncomfortable or bad when you spend time together. When we enjoy someone’s company, we look for ways to be with him/her. Come hell or high water, we make it happen. But when you realize, after a few days or weeks have gone by, and you haven’t shared a moment with your partner and, to be honest, you didn’t really even notice and you don’t care, maybe even some moments were avoided on purpose, something’s wrong. These are indicators that you are not happy where you are. This means you need to get out, like now.
14You Look for ways to escape
If you find yourself looking for anything to do but be with your partner, then you are not in the ideal relationship. It can be a myriad of excuses. It can be a work issue, a period issue, general fatigue, headache, hair washing night, girl’s night, family dinners, deadlines, yoga, dishes, dog walking, kitty litter changing –what-the-hell-ever. If you are scanning your mind trying to figure out how to escape a plan your partner’s made or a plan to see your partner, you do not need to be with aforementioned partner. And some of those excuses, let’s keep it real, might not even be real. When you begin to get all creative and make excuses to avoid him, that is a huge sign that you’re unhappy and it’s time to move on.
13You Have Secret friends
So these friend might be secret for two reasons. One being that your partner feels threatened by your friendships, despite the fact that they are platonic and regardless of gender. You hide your friends because you know that they make him feel bad. Girl, that’s a mistake. Two being that these friends might be seen, by you, as potential future lovers and thus you keep them from your partner for fear of being caught red-handed. Either way, if you feel the need to hide anything, but mostly people, from your partner, there are some serious issues going on –from jealous to insecurity to lack of ability to make or maintain friendships or lack of ability to connect. Your partner has stuff to work out if he cannot accept your friends, but if some of them are more than friends then you have some stuff to work out, too, young lady.
12You Make more plans with friends
We love our friends. Like for real, for real. We love spending the weekends with them, making travel plans, doing whatever really. But when we get booed up those friendship plans oftentimes go out the window. First of all, if you are devoted to your friendship for whatever reason and you need to stop because of your partner, that’s probably not the partner for you. Second of all, if you are making plans with friends to keep away from your partner, then you shouldn’t have a partner. Or maybe you just need some space which is totally understandable. But only you can determine all of this, so have a sit down with yourself and figure out this balance between friends and lovers. You can keep both, you just have to be with the right partner.
11You Separate often
Perhaps you separate often because that’s the lifestyle you have chosen or that’s the lifestyle life has given to you, but you should recognize if it happens with healthy, positive intentions. When you separate and are soon to reunite, how do you feel about seeing your partner again? Are you anxious to see him? Does the thought of seeing him make you happy? If you feel positive, that’s a good sign. But if you tense up and think, Just a few more days or at least a few more hours, even minutes, please –well, honey, you’d better keep that separate lifestyle and take care of you and let him do his own thing. Space is one thing, but if you are taking time off from each other or don’t see each other often because of choices you make or because of work, you two might not really enjoy being around each other. Or perhaps you have a relationship that requires separate spaces and lives. Again, only you can be the judge.
10You’re indifferent about the relationship
If in the past you gave tons of f&$#* but now you’re like, whatever. That’s a huge, like really huge, sign that you are over things. When we stop fighting, it’s because we could care less about the state of things. When we stop fighting, it’s because we don’t care about the person we’re fighting with. When we stop fighting, we’re telling ourselves we’re better than the fight and life is more than the fight; there are things to be done, a life to live, and happiness to retrieve. Indifference means you feel nothing and feeling nothing towards someone is worse than hate because at least hatred is a strong emotion. If you give up, shrug your shoulders, or laugh it off and continue about your merry way, that partner is not for you. And you should clue in to signs that a partner might do this to you. This is the beginning of the end, just so you know.
9Avoidance is your policy
This is not the same as not wanting to follow through with plans or escaping from your partner, no, this is different. Avoidance, in this sense, means that you avoid any discussions to make things better. If your partner wants to sit down and talk, have a heart to heart, or asks you to read a letter or an article as it pertains to the relationship and you can’t be bothered –girl, keep it real, you don’t want to be in the relationship, period. Much like indifference, when we stop putting forth effort, when we push the issues to the side and don’t care to revisit let alone acknowledge them, these are signs that we have already moved on mentally and emotionally. Now you’re just waiting for the body to catch up with what the heart and brain have already conspired to do. Avoiding issues is a sure sign that the relationship is already fizzled out, perhaps long ago.
8You have Physical symptoms
If you exhibit any physical symptoms when your partner is around, you are treading on dangerous ground. Physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, unexplained fatigue, blurred vision, sharp pains, panic attacks, muscle spasms are serious business. Sure, they could be related to something else, something you ate, the environment, stress, whatever; there are at least a handful of reasons. But pay attention if these symptoms turn up when you’re around your partner. If you see a pattern, it’s time to get out, it’s time to bounce and not look back. When we display physical symptoms as related to pain or trauma, it’s because our bodies are manifesting what our hearts and heads can’t quite grasp. Listen to your body, she knows stuff, she takes care of you, she’s in good working order (most of the time) –so if she begins tossing around symptoms, she’s communicating something very dire to you. Head’s up, child.
Depression might be a cross you have to bear in life, there’s nothing wrong with that and depression is manageable. However, if you’re feeling more depressed or more frequently depressed by being with your partner, it’s time to cut the cord. Do not rely on your partner and don’t use him as a crutch, accept the fact that he is not helping your mental health and find someone or something that does, but just make sure it’s a positive, healthy thing. Relationships have their ups and down, no doubt, but if you’re spending more time in the dumps then there’s a huge problem, darling. Your partner should be boosting you up, lifting your spirits, reviving your divine feminine –if he doesn’t, bye. If he’s putting you down, bye. If he minimizes your depression, bye. This is not a game, it’s not something to be toyed with, you know this. Get the proper support and say goodbye to this fool once and for all.
6You’re Scared to Express Your Feelings
Maybe you’re afraid to talk to your partner. Maybe you’re afraid to tell him how you really feel. Maybe you’re afraid he won’t understand or he’ll tell you that your feelings are crazy. If you are afraid to talk to your man, then you need a different man. Men are all like, I’m a man, I’m not sensitive like that, I don’t get caught up in my feelings. And those men can stay single, no woman should tolerate that talk and men shouldn’t accept that negligent, negative attitude about themselves for men and women’s gender roles are just a construct of society after all. You should not be afraid to express yourself and your beautiful gamut of emotions. We all have them and there’s nothing to fear. There’s only something to fear when we repress our emotions or act like they don’t exist. That’s real deal talk, sweetness.
5You Feel Insecure
Women have a tendency to feel insecure, but we shouldn’t feel that way in a relationship. On the contrary, when booed up we should feel positive about ourselves and our situation. If we cannot be confident about ourselves in the relationship or what our men are doing, that’s a red flag swinging violently in the wind that’s about to bring on a serious, life-threatening storm. Also, if your partner is insecure and takes it out on you, constantly accusing you of something, checking your phone or social media sites –that man needs to be checked, for real. Sure a little jealousy can happen and some experts say it’s normal, but jealousy to the point of insecurity and then control –that stuff is nothing you want to be a part of. Take yourself and walk out that front door and don’t feel insecure about such a brave decision, not for a second.
4You’re cheating on him
This shouldn’t even be on the list, but some of you ladies think that cheating is okay. Perhaps you’re the cheater or he is, perhaps you both are. Whatever the case is, if you have not set up an open relationship and spelled out the details with very bright red ink, then what you’re doing is disrespecting yourself. Cheating means you are not happy where you are. So why on earth would you stay there? It’s torture for all involved and it’s an immature way to respond to an issue, the issue of not being invested in the relationship anymore but not being mature enough to say it. Don’t be that person and don’t let someone be that person towards you. Don’t settle. This life should not be spent having discussions and fights about cheating. This life is not about mending heartbreaks from cheaters when we could simply just move on and it’s not about being the one who breaks hearts –that’s stuff is not cool. Let’s move on, shall we?
3There’s No intimacy
We get caught up in life and sometimes intimacy is not at the top of our priority list. Each couple is different and manages their sex life in unique ways, however, if what you had before begins to fade from the present and slowly becomes part of a past you once knew and loved, it sounds like the flames of passion have died out. Now, you could rekindle those flames, have some adult conversations and see what can be done about the situation. Or you could face the facts and realize that perhaps another has bitten the dust. Intimacy is great in the beginning of any relationship. However, to keep it going takes work, not for all couples, but for most. If you find yourself not willing to work on that or fulfilling your intimacy needs elsewhere, well, case closed and so is this relationship. Couples need sex to stay connected. If that’s not happening, it could be the end of things or maybe one of you has some intimacy issues to face.
2You aren’t communicating
Much like indifference, no communication shows a real lack of consideration. When you don’t communicate your feelings, that’s a problem. When you don’t talk about plans that you have and instead just go out and do them, that’s a problem. When you don’t feel like you even need to say good morning or good night to each other, that’s a problem. If any of these things are happening between you and your partner, you are just two bodies doing a very boring dance. Life is to be enjoyed and that includes relationships. Why would you want to be with someone if you don’t want to communicate with them? Communication can be tricky and there are all sorts of hurdles to overcome, but at least put effort into having some. When there’s no communication that’s the death of things. You can’t even be bothered to say a few words? Isn’t that a huge sign that you’re ready to leave?
1The relationship is Abusive
This is serious. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. There are all kinds of abuse including physical, mental, emotional, and sexual; and not a single one is acceptable. Couples get frustrated all the time and can lash out, but if that lashing out is becoming more and more frequent then there’s a psychological problem that needs to be addressed immediately. If you are giving the abuse or receiving it, either way, that is an indicator that the relationship must stop and both should seek some help for healing. Abuse is no joke and should not be taken lightly. It’s disrespect and it’s pain that can last a lifetime. Abuse is trauma manifested in the actions of a past abuse and the abused then becomes the abuser and the cycle continues. You do not want to be in that cycle, honey. You want to be in the cycle of life. Whatever the case is, if abuse is happening all things must cease at once. There is no mending this one.