Being in the throes of a new relationship can be extremely exciting and intoxicating. Without warning, all those stupid love songs you heard growing up start making sense and you can’t stop grinning like an idiot. However, in some relationships, you realize that your new mate has some pretty high expectations for you after you’ve gotten comfortable with each other. A lot of men (especially those who have never been in a relationship before) go by what they see in movies and television in regards to how women generally are while in relationships. They seem to think that we wake up looking perfectly contoured and don’t have morning breath. That we don’t go to the bathroom like normal human beings! I mean, c’mon, dudes – get it together. Here are 15 unrealistic things that men believe women should do in a relationship (spoiler alert: we’re totally not going to do these things so keep wishing or get out).
15Shave Every Freaking Day
What moron barbarian came up with the idea that women need to be cleanly shaven and/or waxed every freaking day of our lives? Hi there, if you grow hair all over your body, chances are WE DO TOO SINCE THAT’S WHAT HUMAN BEINGS DO. Hell, even dead bodies continue to grow body hair well after their heart stops beating. Listen up, fellas – you can handle a little hair on our legs and private areas, ESPECIALLY during the winter time (hey, that’s our winter coat that keeps us all warm and cozy). I have guy friends who always claim that they demand that their girlfriends be all nice and smooth down in their nether-regions, and I’m constantly yelling at them that a little rough on the golf course won’t kill them. Heads up dudes – it’s not all smooth sailing all of the time. We have lives to lead and more important things to focus on other than shaving every single freaking day. Deal with it.
14Give Up Our Netflix/Hulu/HBOGo Password
We all lead hard lives, so when we’re able to pay our bills without fussing, it feels extremely good. And to top it off, we’ve found that one certain guy that gives us all the feels. Oh, but what’s that? Do I sense a little bit of trouble in paradise? A trumpet sounds in the distance – that’s right, your new guy wants to use your Netflix login and password. Um, excuse me, hi? That’s MY login and password, which explains why my name and credit card info is on the bill. No one knows how long a relationship is going to last, but we do know that regardless of the situation, our Netflix/Hulu/HBOGo/or whatever streaming service we use will always be there for us. Your relationship with your dude might have an expiration date, so why would you hand over that valuable information for him to use AFTER the relationship is dead in the water. Oh, hell no. That crap is mine.
13Be A Cat Person/Dog Person When We’re Clearly The Opposite
Truth be told – I’m a dog person. For some reason, I’ve always been more drawn to dog owners rather than cat owners. I don’t do it on purpose, it just always seems to happen that way. Hell, I was even with a guy who once said he’d rather die than own a cat (a little too harsh for my taste, but whatever). However, there was one time when I dated a cat guy for a little bit and it ended somewhat oddly. He had tried to force his cat on me at every turn, or should I say, he attempted to force the cat on ME since that dang animal wanted nothing to do with me. It’s like that devil animal sensed that I was indifferent toward its species and constantly plotted to murder me in my sleep. He got upset that I really didn’t take to the pet and insisted we get a cat of our own that actually liked me. Um, no thanks, crazy. I’ll pass and go curl up with my dog now.
12Like Their Music
Generally, we tend to be drawn to the opposite gender who has similar interests as we do. That’s what makes the person attractive to us. But sometimes, music doesn’t fall into that category. I’ve had the same taste in music growing up, but would I force anyone to attend the symphony or opera with me who doesn’t want to? Nope. They’d just be miserable and end up making me miserable in return. While I have an open mind about the type of music I listen to, I will NOT be forced to attend a country music concert. No, sir. So if a guy won’t stop insisting that “I’ll eventually like it” in terms of his music, I’ll kick him in the shin. If he doesn’t understand that Madam Butterfly totally croaks at the end of the opera, I’m not going to torture him by making him sit there for three hours while his ears bleed… unless he tries to torture me with Garth Brooks. Then it’s quid-pro-quo time, b*tch.
11Stop Crushing On Our Favorite Celebrity
Like all older straight female millennials, I had a massive crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas growing up. Yeah, I’ll admit it – I’m not ashamed. Anyone with any sort of taste was totally in love with JTT and recorded almost every episode of Home Improvement and had posters of him all over their walls (okay, maybe that’s a little too much information but whatever – at least I didn’t kiss the posters or will ever admit to that out loud). As I got older, I still had celebrity crushes like any normal straight chick, they just turned a tad more sophisticated: like Matt Damon, Ryan Reynolds, Chris Pine, Chris Pratt, pretty much anyone named Chris. While these were mere crushes, one boyfriend of mine was actually jealous of my silly little crush. As if he was THREATENED by a mere fantasy. If he demands that you stop watching Guardians of the Galaxy because that Chris is too attractive for his taste, run for the hills.
Okay, I’ll admit, this might be a particular addiction that I have and have almost always had. Growing up I had a stern father who would never allow his daughters to cuss. Given, he married a woman who was pretty much a sailor and could cuss in a number of different languages, so it was odd that this rule was so strict in our household. I mean, hell, the first cuss words I learned were in Spanish thanks to my mother. Now that I’m grown, I still don’t cuss around my father because it leaves a sour taste in his mouth even though I take after my mother. Hell, I tend to focus on sports writing and am constantly surrounded by locker room talk day in and out and could put a seven-foot basketball player to shame with my cussing habits. Men usually know this going into a relationship with me, and if they try to change the fact after we’re comfortable with each other, you can best believe a string of four letter words will come floating out of my mouth in the most graceful way possible. Only my father is allowed to say “stop that” to me, bro.
9Act Like a “Lady”
This sort of goes hand-in-hand with the previous cussing thing since swearing left and right really isn’t “ladylike” according to some people (people I don’t wish to know, by the way). What does that even mean? If I’m in a relationship with a guy, he already knows I’m the type of girl who says “I’m a lady, so when I make the ‘screw-off’ gesture with my hand, it’s with a swan like grace” – hell, that’s even my Twitter bio so they know exactly what they’re getting into. I’m into sports, I cuss, I sometimes sit awkwardly, I can drink most men under the table, and I can do it all in heels. THAT’S what’s being a lady means to me. If you think I should be more classy when it comes to how I act, that just means I’m going to start throwing bigger words at you in order to insult you for telling me to act like a lady, you supercilious jerkwad.
8Agree With Them On “Their” Politics
I tend to be drawn toward a man who is my opposite so I can learn new things, and this sometimes happens when it comes to politics… at least that was the case before this current administration took office and started lighting everything on fire. I lived for healthy debates where both sides would hear each other out and strike up feisty, yet intelligent, arguments. It was the give-and-take banter that I relished in, which is why I was drawn toward men who didn’t idealize the same politics as I. But now? Oh, hell no. For some reason, men on the far right now demand you share their same outlook on politics, or else be belittled with a string of unintelligible insults. If a guy DEMANDS that I agree with his view on politics, his rear is going to hit the curb so fast that he won’t even know what the hell is happening.
7Tone Down the Makeup
The world of makeup is hard to keep up with these days. There’s a new look coming out virtually every single day, and I, for one, am seriously in love with it. I adore experimenting with new looks, basically becoming a new person every day. Makeup helps me look on the outside how I feel on the inside. It’s just plain, well, fun. Despite feeling this way about makeup and how I wear it for me and me alone, there are still some dudes who have the audacity to say “well, we’re in a committed relationship now, so you can start toning down the makeup”. Um, hi, excuse me, but I don’t wear this for you. I wear it for me and if you don’t like me applying a certain amount of highlighter a day while playing around with different color matte lip stain, there’s the door.
6Adjust Our Wardrobe
This can go two ways: either we flaunt too much, or don’t flaunt enough. Either way, we’re damned as women when it comes to our clothing. I’ve heard the phrase “guys, would you let your woman go out dressed like this?” attached to a picture of a woman in a flattering dress. B*tch, that’s not for you to decide – that’s for us and us alone. If we happen to want to go out in a plunge-neck blouse because it highlights our assets, then guess what, we are going to. If you’re in a new relationship and your guy keeps dropping hints that he isn’t the biggest fan of your wardrobe, he needs to be shut down quickly because he’s attempting to dominate over you in a sense. It’s your body and if you want to wear something, you should without being judged by the man who apparently loves you. You’re not property.
5Spend Less Time With Our Girl Friends
We’ve all had those friends who when they get into a new relationship, they disappear for months on end. It can be infuriating, especially since they tend to get lost in the dude himself and believes all her time and energy needs to be focused on him. Sure, it’s okay if the girl and the guy are in that “new relationship” haze, but if your new dude starts demanding that you focus all your attention on him instead of your friends, he needs to get a reality check. Our time with our girlfriends is what keeps us sane. Who else are we going to complain to when you do something stupid? Taking that away from us is almost like castrating us, and we know how much you hate that word, dudes, so we’re using it.
4Lay Off Social Media
I have a friend who started dating a new guy a while back and she fell head over heels in love with him. After a while, he started showing his true colors and told her point blank that he would like for her to delete all her social media accounts because he “thought it would be best for her”. Excuse me? If a man needs to tell you that it would be best for you to stop tweeting, facebooking, or interacting with people social media, he’s controlling and that’s scary as all damn hell. That right there is an abusive relationship and extremely toxic and unhealthy. It’s best for both individuals (mainly her) if you just backed the hell away from each other. Someone really needs to slap dudes like this across the face.
3Stop Talking To Our Close Guy Friends
Sure, so he’s perfectly okay with you hanging out with your girlfriends on normal basis – he’s cool like that. But the second you start talking about your friend Brandon, he gets all huffy and somewhat red-faced. If you get into a relationship with a guy who already knows the male to female ratio of your circle of friends leans more one way than the other, he shouldn’t comment on it later down the line inside the relationship. If you wanted to be in a relationship with those particular guy friends, you already would be and wouldn’t be wasting time with any other men – plain and simple. Guys tend to assume that since these guys are the ones you go to to complain about your relationship that you’ll end up falling in love with them. Uh, no. If that was the case, I’d be in love with all of my girlfriends, thanks.
2Stop Being A Slob In Terms of Our Living Spaces
Confession time: I’m a massive slob. While everything on my computer regarding my work is perfectly organized, my actual living space is not. I have a basket of clean clothes that I haven’t put away for weeks, shoes tossed about my bedroom, dirty clothes tossed on my office chair, empty wine glasses on my nightstand, and wet towels on my bathroom floor. Sure, when I’m expecting company over, I turn into a world class speed cleaner – who doesn’t? But when a new boyfriend comments that I may want to start changing my bad slob habit, I quickly furrow my brow. Yeah, yeah, I get that I’m a slob, but as long as I’m clean myself and my work doesn’t suffer, I’m all good right (*she asks timidly while wondering if there’s a dead body hidden somewhere in her messy office since she can’t see the floor*)? Okay, maybe it IS time to change that habit. Sigh.
1Change Our Entire Lifestyle Cause You Said “I Love You”
Those three words are pretty much the most powerful words to ever grace the English language. Hell, they’re the most powerful in any language. They have the ability to stop wars and change the world. But do they have the ability to change you? You love yourself as is, so when you hear the sentence “I love you but…” it’s probably best to close down your eardrums right then and there. Just because someone says they love me doesn’t mean I’m going to shift my entire world to appease them. I’m not going to stop talking to my guy friends, girlfriends, tone down my makeup, shave every stupid day, stop cussing, stop yelling at the TV when a baseball game doesn’t go my way, or anything else. If you love me, you love me for all those things as well. If not, it isn’t love, and never will be.