So, the moment is right, and you’re about to get it on. Not that cliché “only in the movies, Marvin Gaye singing in the background,” but more like you’re both feeling in the mood, and pounced on each other during Adult Swim at 1 A.M. But then something goes terribly wrong. You say the wrong thing, and your man is either angry, sad, or completely confused. Whatever the case may be, there’s one clear fact: you’re not getting it on after all.
What could you have possibly said? Any of these 40 things.
Here’s a list of things that should never, ever be said before you start getting it on with your guy.
#1 Anything about his penis being inadequate. Be a lady, and hold back from commenting. Or better yet, if it’s a problem for you, just don’t date the guy.
#2 Anything about him as a person being inadequate. Again, see number one. If he’s “inadequate” as a person, don’t date him. It’s really that simple.
#3 Something about having a UTI. Sorry to say this ladies, but UTIs are caused by either being pre-diabetic, diabetic, or having bad hygiene. Whatever the case may be, warning your partner should happen before you’re even thinking of having s*x.
#4 Mentioning you have STDs. This is crucial, because you could ruin someone’s life for good: before getting serious, or even contemplating getting there, tell them this in a non-s*xual setting. Don’t wait to tell anyone about your STDs, until you’re about to get it on. Seriously, that is pretty mean.
#5 Ex-partners. Why would anyone do this? The past is the past, so don’t bring them up in the bedroom.
#6 The past issues you’ve had before. Don’t pick this time to talk about your relationship problems, past or present. Sure, you think “it’s on my mind, we need to talk about it before having s*x.” You should have thought about that earlier!
#7 Anything regarding bowel movements. This is self-explanatory. Be classy, do your business, clean yourself up properly, and have s*x like a grown up.
#8 Anything too self-deprecating, as in referring to yourself in derogatory terms. No, he doesn’t enjoy it when you refer to yourself as a filthy, something swallowing, whore. Unless you two have specifically spoken about this before, and you’re both onboard with it, don’t do it. Contrary to popular belief, you’re actually going to make him feel like a tool if you talk about yourself that way.
#9 Anything about social media. Silence your phone and leave it on the other side of the room. Don’t focus on Pinterest or Instagram when he’s trying to make you feel good. Don’t bring up that one girl’s horrible sunglasses, or that one dude’s stupid cycling club you love to make fun of.
#10 Saying something about body odor, or fingernail length. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do anything about it, but just don’t point it out. Instead, suggest taking a shower or getting him cleaned up before you even start making out.
#11 Fishing for compliments as a means of self-assurance. “I’m fat,” or “my hair looks like a mess,” screams that you want him to contradict you, so you feel better about yourself. Now is not the time to obligate him to make you feel validated!
#12 Comparing him with someone else. Your s*x life is between the two of you. Adding another person into the mix for comparison purposes just shows him that you’re thinking about someone else, whether the thoughts are negative or positive.
#13 Your s*xcapades with other dudes. Even if you take the comparison game out, even mentioning what you did with some guy you dated back in college will instantly make your guy think of you with someone else, and that will then make him lose his stiffy.
#14 “Did you shower today?” Again, hygiene. This will make him think he smells, or there’s something wrong with some aspect of his body. Maybe he’s greasy, maybe he’s sweaty, and maybe he really does smell. Maybe you shouldn’t have let the mood come around if he’s really dirty and grimy.
#15 Marriage hints. Don’t dangle the idea of s*x in exchange for marriage. You shouldn’t be pressuring a guy to marry you just so he can have s*x with you. That’s just cruel.
#16 Reminding him of your male roommate. Why you even have one is a mystery. He’s going to wonder what you and the roomie have done behind closed doors. Bringing it up won’t alleviate anything. He’s probably already insecure about it, with good reason too.
#17 Reminding him of your parents or his. He doesn’t want to think about his mom while he’s getting ready to have s*x with you. And he certainly doesn’t want to think about your dad.
#18 Mentioning how drunk you are, if that is the case. If you’re drunk, sleep it off. Don’t say how drunk you are during s*x, or before it, because that’s trashy. Don’t have s*x while drunk, horrible things could happen, like vomiting or an unwanted pregnancy.
#19 “I can’t believe you’re finally going to sleep with me!” So, basically, you’ve been wanting it to happen, but it seemed too good to be true? Is this high school, and are you the outcast who’s fortunate enough to sleep with the popular idiot in school?
#20 “I haven’t shaved in a while.” Some guys genuinely don’t mind, so you’re better off not mentioning anything. However, if they do mind, you probably should have thought of that before jumping in the sack with him with an untrimmed rainforest down there.
#21 Mentioning religion. He doesn’t want to hear you say “Jesus made you specifically for me,” right as he’s unhooking your bra. He doesn’t want to hear how you’ll reach nirvana together. He wants to get busy with you, not think about his small, insignificant existence. And if he’s atheist, he definitely doesn’t want to hear it.
#22 “I might be pregnant.” Timing, timing, timing! This is possibly the worst time ever to even mention that you have another life living inside you.
#23 Complain about absolutely everything. This is annoying, and it will have him running around trying to change things up, so you can get comfortable. Only, by the time you get comfy, he won’t be in the mood anymore. Or, better yet, he’ll think you’re looking for excuses to not have s*x.
#24 Mentioning you’d love to inflict pain on him. While some guys like this, whether or not it’s his thing should have been established way before you had s*x. And if he happens to not be into this, it’ll end up sounding like a threat.
#25 Baby talking him, like the dog he is not. Don’t coo in his face, don’t ask him if he wants your body in a baby voice, and please, please, don’t do it while his face is buried in your chest. Nothing about this is hot, it’s actually pretty creepy.
#26 Excessive cursing. A bit is perfectly normal, but if every single sentence has a bad word in it, or multiple bad words, it’s kind of distracting, and odd. Nothing about it is s*xy.
#27 Saying something about dominating him. If he’s into that sort of thing, great! If he’s not, no amount of 50 Shades references will change his mind, and he’ll definitely end up resisting any effort you make to handcuff him to the bed… By running out on you.
#28 “Aunt Flo is here.” Some couples don’t mind this, and that’s great. But if you know you’re with a guy who can’t stand the sight of blood, any mention of it will be an instant turn off!
#29 Directing what you want him to do before s*x, or even during. He can handle s*x. He knows how to do it. Let him do it. If you want something specific, fine, but don’t micromanage each move he makes.
#30 Mentioning your self-consciousness. Asking him not to look at your belly or your thighs or your butt or your arms will only draw attention to those areas. The guy you’re with is so turned on that you’re about to have s*x. He most likely doesn’t mind the way you look, and he might even think you look smokin’ hot!
#31 Problems at work. Follow the simple rule: keep work at work, and home at home. He doesn’t want to hear about Christine’s excessive use of the coffee machine, or the broken printer. He doesn’t care.
#32 Becoming a verbal calendar at the worst of times, as in “you have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow… And a wedding to attend on the 2nd.” A lot of women know their man needs someone to help keep them organized. Now, if you stand up to the task, keep in mind you’re being his mother a little bit, and no one wants to sleep with their mom. Hopefully.
#33 “Hold on, I have to turn off the lights.” While you think you’re keeping him from seeing the parts of you that you think are unflattering, you might also make him think that you can’t stand seeing him when you’re having s*x.
#34 Nagging, nagging, nagging, and more nagging. This will lead to arguments, stress, and frustration, not s*x.
#35 “You’re going to ruin my Chanel!” Materialistic, much? Stop worrying about your Chanel, Michael Kors, or anything else. They are things. They are objects. He is a real man, a person, who really wants to make you feel good. If you don’t want him to touch your Chanel, don’t wear your Chanel!
#36 “No, we can’t have s*x. Yes, we can. No, wait, we can’t. Yes…” Make up your mind before he cuts you off and says he’s over it. There’s nothing worse than an indecisive woman who can’t decide whether she wants to have s*x or not.
#37 “I need you so much.” Needy, desperate, suffocating, and irritating are all adjectives that go with this statement. You shouldn’t need a man, you should want one. Making him feel needed will make him feel pressured. Making him feel wanted will turn him on.
#38 Making a general statement about men. “All men like this, let me try it,” or “don’t men like this?” or “men tend to ___.” You’re about to have s*x with one man, not the whole of mankind. Acknowledge that he has individual tastes, and quit generalizing!
#39 “Your balls are ___ compared to your penis.” Either bigger or smaller, whatever it is, leave it be. This is the equivalent to him saying “your left breast is bigger than your right breast.” Thanks for pointing that out and making me feel self-conscious right before getting it on. Much appreciated.
#40 Suspicious questioning. “Did you go out last night? Who did you see? What did you do? Did you hang out at the strip club? Did you rob a bank? Did you kill a rabbit? Did you partake in any criminal activities? Did you get caught? Are you hiding something? What are you hiding? Oh my God, what are you hiding right now?” And the moment is over.
