So, you’re talking to a new guy. That’s great! It’s great to get to know someone new and open yourself up to another person and possibly build a relationship with them that lasts for a long time. The thing is that you might not know whether this new guy that you’re spending time with is actually worth your time. Sure, he seems great, but is he? You might need to look around you to spot the red and green flags. Red flags are signs that this guy might not be worth your time and could actually hurt you in the long run, and green flags are signs that pop up with a guy that indicate that you should really give him a chance.
Your average red flag is innocuous enough: you might pick up the vibe that the guy is self-centered, immature, or insensitive. Those things might not be a big deal right away, but they could become problems down the road. Then again, you might see behavior early on that he can’t be trusted, has issues with an ex, or is straight up controlling. On the other hand, you might see some green flags: listening to the little things, feeling comfortable or even safe around him, and him getting along with people you like and introduce him to. Here are eight relationship red flags that show that you should run away from that guy really fast, and eight green flags that show that you should stick with him.
16Red Flag – He’s Irresponsible And Immature With You And Other Core Elements In His Life
Being irresponsible with his life doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know how to adult, although if he’s no good at being an adult that’s also a bad sign. In this context, being irresponsible means that he just doesn’t respect his connection with you. Is he flirting with that other girl despite you telling him that you’re really uncomfortable with it, maybe even multiple times? That’s being irresponsible with the relationship, and it shows that his actions aren’t lining up with what he’s saying to you. If this kind of irresponsibility is also present in other areas of his life, like if he’s constantly belittling his friends or treating people badly in general, it also shows that he’ll treat you like that, whether he treats you badly right now or not.
15Green Flag – He Doesn’t Drain Your Energy But Instead Adds Positive Vibes And Support
There is nothing like a guy who doesn’t drain your energy. The guys who are great for you won’t stress you out. Okay, everyone can stress you out a little bit: we’re all human and make mistakes. However, you will know the difference between a guy who’s constantly raising your blood pressure and a guy who makes you feel safe and happy. If this is a guy that makes it a point to know what your dreams are and actively support you, he’s a green flag guy. He doesn’t have time to drain your energy because he’s got all sorts of things going on his own plate. He’s too invested in his own success and yours to try and bring you down to make himself feel better. He knows his own worth and knows yours.
14Red Flag – You Can’t Trust Him, No Matter How Many Talks You’ve Had
A red flag guy will generally make you feel like you’re a little crazy. No matter how many times you sit down and have a conversation with him, you’re always going to feel like that conversation never happened. You just can’t trust him to hear what you are saying, and worse, you might not be able to trust him at all. Every time you see him commenting on another girl’s post on social media, you totally panic because you have no idea why he did that. To be fair, sometimes we get a little crazy and weird about things when it comes to guys, but you’ll know in your gut whether you’re being a little irrational or if you genuinely have something to worry about.
13Green Flag – He’s Interested In Your Friends, But Not “Interested” In Your Friends
If you can trust that the guy in your life won’t be weird around your friends and that he doesn’t set off any red flags for them, you’re golden. This isn’t a golden rule by any stretch of the imagination: a green flag guy doesn’t have to get along with all of your friends. However, if your guy has a conflict with every single person in your life or even a good majority, it could mean that he’s a red flag guy, despite how well he treats you. On the flip side, if your guy is getting along a bit too well with your friends or taking a creepy interest in one of them, that’s a good sign that you should drop him like a bad habit. A green flag guy will be interested in getting to know your friends without trying to get with them.
12Red Flag – The Most Important People In Your Life Have Their Doubts About Him And Have Expressed Those Concerns To You
To go back to the previous point, if the guy in your life is raising major red flags with the people you trust, you should listen to them. I’m actually a testament to what happens when you don’t. I dated a guy for years that I’d known since I was a teenager, despite the fact that most of my family and none of my friends liked him. I swear, my best friend refused to say his name, the hate was that strong. However, they eventually bit their tongues because I just straight up wasn’t listening to them. When we eventually broke up due to his commitment issues, I was 23, devastated, and kind of blindsided by the way he’d treated me. My friends and family were nice and didn’t say I told you so much, but I eventually grew to learn that while approval from a third party shouldn’t mean a ton to you, it’s also important to listen to your people.
11Green Flag – He Follows Through On Small Promises
A guy who follows through on big things is a good guy, but a guy who follows through on the small things is priceless. A lot of guys aren’t great with remembering the little things, which is something every woman living with a guy knows. He could promise to clean the house, but then get involved with his life and totally forget. A guy who remembers those little things he promises, then actually follows through is a special one. More importantly, they’re not unicorns, you can find them anywhere! For a lot of guys, they’ll put in a lot more effort with a girl they really care about, making sure they follow through becayse they want their girl to know he’s reliable. Reliability is important.
10Red Flag – He’s Controlling In The Worst Ways
The last thing you want is a controlling guy. Controlling guys are really scary, and to make matters worse, you might not actually realize they’re controlling until you’re in a little too deep. Is your guy suddenly getting mad that you’re spending time with people who aren’t him and making efforts to monopolize your time? Does he make you feel like you’re dealing with a ticking time bomb rather than a living, breathing person? Does he make you feel responsible for his actions and emotions in a way that he refuses to be for yours? Those are signs of a red flag guy who’s trying to bend you to his own will. As much as we want to see the best in a guy, we need to understand that when we’re wearing rose colored glasses in a relationship, red flags just look like regular flags.
9Green Flag – He Tells You The Truth, But Not In A Way That Hurts You
A good guy won’t lie to you, but if he’s making you feel bad by “telling you the truth,” he’s a red flag guy. A green flag guy is going to tell you what you need to hear but in a totally supportive way. I can actually illustrate this with a personal story. My current boyfriend had been listening to me very patiently as I regaled to him the story of my trying to do a back somersault (I’m an in-shape person, but not that in-shape) for a show I’m currently in, but the move ended up getting cut from the routine since I didn’t know how to do it well enough. I’m also telling him I have a twinge in my shoulder that won’t go away. He was totally nice about it, but he also told me that I was overextending myself and trying to go beyond my abilities, and I could have ended up permanently getting hurt. It was a truth I needed to hear, but it was said in a way that I could really absorb it and not be hurt by it. Green flag guys do that.
8Red Flag – You Constantly Feel Insecure And You Don’t Sense Sincerity In His Intentions
Do you constantly feel like every move around your guy could give way to a lot of drama? Is he such a prickly guy that you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him? Do you see him around other girls and get a knot in your stomach because you realize that he has the potential to stray from his relationship for whatever reason? Does he like to “punish” you by dropping off the face of the planet and not responding to you when you try to talk to him? These are all signs of a red flag guy who really doesn’t respect you or your connection at all. You can feel love for a guy, but that means nothing if you can’t trust him. Without trust, the relationship can’t exist in any capacity.
7Green Flag – Fights Aren’t Fights, They’re Actual Conversations
When you argue with your guy, is it a knock-down, drag-out fight where you guys are slinging insults and generally being awful to each other? Does it feel less like an argument and more like a WWE fight in words? A green flag guy won’t do that. Rather, a fight won’t be a fight, it’ll be a straight-up discussion where feelings are laid out on the table. Rather than you having to chase him to get him to communicate his grievances with you, you might find that he’s sort of chasing you to find out how you feel. You won’t have to guess at his intentions or feelings because he’ll tell you how he feels. You might even feel a bit overwhelmed by his honesty and inspired to be a better communicator like he is. It’s a great feeling and there are guys out there who can do this.
6Red Flag – His Old Relationships (And His Past In General) Are Still An Issue
Is your guy constantly referring to an ex? He might be friends with her and assuring you it’s all platonic, and you might even know her and like her yourself, but there might be a knot in your stomach because he talks about her a bit too much or even creeps on her in some way. Even if he isn’t friends with her, he treats her like this untouchable part of his life that he’ll never share with you. As an example, I once had an ex who was “totally over” his ex but would refer to the few months with her with a special name and freaked out like he’d seen a ghost when we ran into her in the street, yelling at me when I asked what was wrong. I ended up finding out later that the relationship hadn’t even existed: he’d liked her and she hadn’t given him the time of day. Looking back, this was a major red flag that I should have heeded.
5Green Flag – He Takes Part In Day To Day Minutiae With You
Dates are awesome and fun, but if you’re only spending time with your guy on huge, expensive dates, it might be a sign that you guys aren’t showing each other your real selves yet. The moments where you really get to know a person, warts and all, are the small ones. It’s those times when the two of you really need to get your laundry done, but still want to see each other, so he drives over to your place with his laundry and you spend hours at the laundromat watching your clothes spin. It’s quiet Friday nights at home watching American Horror Story because you don’t want to go out and making dinner together. It’s going to the grocery store and doing errands together and seeing what makes you guys tick. If you can do those things with your guy, he’s a keeper.
4Red Flag – He’s Co-Dependent, Or The Both Of You Are
Codependency is the death of any healthy relationship. Codependent relationships, from the outside, actually look like pretty sweet relationships, but the underbelly of those relationships are seriously scary. These are the people who might do a lot of posting on social media but are terrified that their “other halves” will leave them, which feeds into more posting. These are the people who might still hang out with their friends, but take their “other halves” with them because they can’t stand to be away from them. Codependent relationships can look like a lot of things, but a good indicator is that you genuinely feel like your identity is tangled up with them and losing them would be like losing yourself.
3Green Flag – You See The Future With Him And He Sees It With You
One major green flag is that you and your guy see each other in your futures and the feeling is mutual. The two of you can be in totally different places in life, but if you guys want the same things and are willing to work at having those things with each other, then it’s a relationship worth sticking with. As much as we want to think love is enough, other things are important that make that love sustainable. Compatibility of goals and temperaments is one of those things: if the two of you have a goal to build a life together with each other, that’s a facet of compatibility. Even if you don’t have that level of compatibility, the desire to make it work with the two of you can go a really long way, and a guy who sees the future with you in a healthy way is without a doubt a green flag guy.
2Red Flag – He Doesn’t Communicate Effectively Or Listen Attentively
Listening is vitally important in any relationship. This isn’t even just in relation to a romantic connection: listening is just as important in a friendship or familial relationship. Listening is a basic life skill that not many people learn how to do effectively. People often listen to reply, not to understand, and it’s really damaging our relationships. Communication is mostly listening, really, and if your guy just can’t be bothered to, you have a real problem on your hands. The last thing you want when you’re going through something terrible is a guy in your life who just totally dismisses what you’re going through so he can talk about himself. The same goes if he’s a guy who simply refuses to connect at all.
1Green Flag – He Pays Attention To Both The Big And Small Details You’ve Shared With Him
Guys who are able to listen and retain the information you give them seem kind of like unicorns in the wild, but they’re a lot more common than you think. If the guy in your life seems genuinely interested in what you have to say, to the point that he can remember things you say days and even weeks after you told him, that’s a great sign that he’s interested in you, but it’s an even better sign that he’s worth being interested in. This also goes for the flip side of things: if you find yourself really interested in what he has to say and you’re remembering the big and small details of his life, it’s a good sign that he can communicate well.