As a mother, not only do the kids dance to you every now and then. No, even with “well-meant” and unsolicited advice from other people you have to fight. I’ve collected 8 things that almost every mother can not hear. Unless you are in the mood to roll your eyes or become rude yourself. And PS to all non-mothers: Delete all these sentences from your vocabulary. Merci beaucoup!
8 things that you can no longer hear as a mother
“Sleep well when your baby is sleeping!” R2-D2 sends its regards! Yes, as a mother you are, of course, a robot who stops the operation at exactly the second when the baby falls asleep and only awakens from the Sleeping Beauty sleep when the baby slowly opens an eye. Not to mention all the 1000 things we still have to do when we have 2 free hands. Clean up, go to the toilet alone and yeah … take a shower! Of course you can take a nap, but most mothers among us know how these sleep breaks the children feel: like pure freedom!
“Time goes by so fast, so enjoy it every second!” Honestly, do you enjoy the seconds when your child quickly runs away after bathing, crumbles into a corner and pats there before you can put on his diaper? Or if your child in the playgroup has his 5 minutes and is brushing on riot and would like to kill any other child? Yes, the pure pleasure. These are the moments when you are already going to bed the children inwardly, just waiting for the remaining hours of asap to pass. “Oh god, what raven mothers,” cries the mother mafia. Keep calm & enjoy!
“Your baby / child does not look like you at all!” It’s not mine either. I bought it at the grocery store behind the butcher’s counter when they were ready to go!
“Never wake a sleeping baby / child!” Seriously ?! Should I wait 2 hours in the parked car in the dead of winter or midsummer in front of my house with a full bladder just before exploding? Yes of course! Just so my baby / child can sleep in peace … # irony
“You have to breastfeed, because that’s the best for your child.” Who are you? Prof. Dr.Dr. Smart Meise? Yes, it may be that breastfeeding is best for the child IF mother and child want and can. And if that’s not the case, why, breastfeeding is probably the worst thing for the child. And yes, every mother has the goddamn right to decide for herself. Amen!
“Wow, it’s great that your husband / partner is also looking after the child / s!” Yes, applause for him. He also took care of me when he transplanted his seeds, then the rest should be taken for granted, right? So Daddy does not sit on a chair like little kids for a birthday and turns you on “Get High!”.
“Stop pampering your baby / child like this!” A baby crying, wanting to be calmed down and needing to be close to his mother is spoiled? We’re not talking about a hyper-irritated, rich, youthful A-hole that got a brand new car just on its 16th birthday, even though it does not have a driver’s license yet. No, we’re talking about a little creature that can not yet find its way around the world and needs our help. People who try to convince you that you are spoiling your baby / child too much because you are carrying it around until it sleeps or or or you should absolutely shut up and go here for a test: Am I a sociopath?
“What are you doing all day at home?” My ovaries are rocking while my kids take care of themselves, doing the household by themselves, getting the underwear legs and running to the washing machine and doing my real work a little goblin. Do you notice something?!