It’s been quite a long time since I last wrote something to you or about you. It’s not because I don’t think of you. I did, and still do, think of and about you a lot. I just couldn’t find the right words to express how I really felt. It’s very overwhelming at times when I think of you.
I don’t even know your name nor what you look like. Many times I’ve doubted whether you’re really out there. Are you? Or am I just trying to make myself feel hopeful that you exist? Do you think about me? Are you curious about what I’m like, what I love doing, or if I hate my own laughs? Do you even wonder if and when we’re going to meet? Are we really meant for each other?
I’ve met a lot of people. Every time, I thought they were you. That is why I stopped writing to you. Obviously I was wrong every single time. I was very stubborn and busy trying to save those relationships because I thought they were you and we were meant to be together. Finally, I’ve learned that even though real love and relationships take work, it shouldn’t be that hard. Real love with the right person shouldn’t leave me with tears and doubts. It shouldn’t constantly ask me to reconsider my standards and boundaries. It shouldn’t make me feel scared and sad.
And the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes only love is not enough. It simply just isn’t.
I was angry at myself, at them, and at the whole world for somehow luring me into believing that they were you. I was angry for allowing myself to be vulnerable, for putting myself out there and trying so hard to make it work, for thinking that I should just try it one more time, as I told myself it would magically make everything alright. All attempts left me with heartbreak and even worse feelings for myself. Why wasn’t I strong enough to walk away sooner? Why didn’t I respect myself to know when enough was enough? Why didn’t I trust my gut feeling that something was wrong? Why didn’t I realize that there was nothing wrong with my standards, I was just with the wrong person?
That leads to the second biggest lesson I have learned. Those relationships fell apart simply because I asked for the right person and they were not it. They were not you. It is as simple as that.
How about you? How have you been? Are you experiencing similar things? Do you sometimes want to just escape your busy life to somewhere and secretly hope that you’ll run into me? What would your first words to me be? Do you still believe in true love? Do you still love the idea of having someone to come home to, travel with, eat takeout with, or just be with? Do you still believe that the time will come when we actually meet?
Well, whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re doing it with passion, with integrity, and by remaining true to who you are. You’re still committed enough to face some tough times, to grow to be the person I’m destined to meet and be with. I hope you live your life by surrounding yourself with people and things that are good for you. I promise that I’m doing the same. I’m living my life with newfound strength that hopefully will lead me to where we are going to meet. I will no longer pour my heart into someone if I have doubts about or simply because I was afraid you wouldn’t show up. Because I know you will. One day, no matter how many miles separate us now, our paths will cross and we will meet.