It is truly amazing, some of the things girls will search on Google: how to do a fishtail braid, what hole do I pee out of, how to find my G-spot and oh yes… How do I discreetly pull off a number 2 at my boyfriend’s house?
That’s an embarrassingly real search that many girls have done out of desperation on their phones, while stuck in their boyfriend’s bathroom. The bad news? Your time is ticking away and the longer you’re in there, the more suspicious he’s going to get. The good news? There really are sneaky ways to go about pulling off a poop at your boyfriend’s house!
Did you know there’s actually a condition called parcopresis that signifies a social anxiety when it comes to defecating? Likely if you have parcopresis, you need a certain amount of privacy to be comfortable enough to do the deed. Still, just because you can’t or won’t poop while at your mate’s, doesn’t mean you’re suffering from a condition!
Let’s take a look at why you can’t seem to do the deed before we get into the 10 ways to get away with a number 2 when you’re with your man.
Why it’s so hard to do a #2 around your guy
The simple answer? You’re a lady, and ladies don’t do such things! Or at least, that’s what we women want our boyfriends to think. We don’t pass gas, burp, have bad breath, and we certainly don’t poop. While maintaining a lady-like persona and maintaining mystery has been found to have a positive effect on long-term relationships, don’t let your bowel suffer for your efforts!
Remember grandma telling you not to hold it? Well, she was right. Keeping your bowels full for too long can have major negative effects on your body.
Another reason women don’t like doing the deed? It’s uncomfortable! You’re not in the privacy of your bathroom with your Cosmo’s and your air freshener. Plus, you feel like you’re being timed, and the longer you take to get it done, the longer he’s left waiting and wondering what you’re up to. Plus, what if he needs to use the bathroom next?
What to do to get away with it
It’s never an easy situation, especially if you’re still at that stage in your relationship when your guy thinks you’re the epitome of femininity. But here’s a foolproof guide to make sure things run smoothly.
#1 Timing is everything. Honestly. If your man is running out to grab some chips from the corner store, taking a smoke break, running downstairs to flip his laundry, or if he’s taking an hour for video games or a sports game, then use this time to your advantage. Try to wait until he’s already used the bathroom, that way you won’t risk him going in after you.
#2 Prepare mentally. If you keep thinking that he’s timing your efforts, or that he’s going to come knocking at the door any minute, then all you’re doing is preventing yourself from achieving, and you end up wasting precious time. Do whatever you can to mentally prepare yourself for the deed.
#3 Hide the noise. Afraid your guy’s going to hear what’s going on in there? If you don’t have the luxury of a bathroom that’s far away from your main “hang-out” room, then you’d better prepare for the noises. If you have a bathroom fan, turn it on. Turn the faucet on to mask the sound. Better yet, take your iPod in there or turn a radio on loud before you make your move.
#4 Make a “basket.” Another way to get comfortable in the bathroom is by making a carefully crafted basket or “raft” for your “leavings” to lay on. It sounds gross, because it kind of is. But it works, and that’s all that’s important. Carefully lay down toilet paper in the bowl until it makes a raft in the water. This will catch your droppings and mask the noises without you having to flush a million times. Just be careful not to clog the toilet!
#5 Take a “shower.” Tell your guy you’re just going to steal his bathroom for a minute to “wash up.” Then, while you’re doing your business, run the shower or the bath faucet. Not only will this hide any sounds and smells going on, but your boyfriend will likely buy your story and think you’re cleaning up to ready yourself for a romp between the sheets. Not only did you get away with it, but you became sexy in the process!
#6 Consider the risks and benefits of hiding the smell. So you’ve done it, you’ve flushed, and you feel like a whole new woman. But now you’re not sure whether you should try to hide the smell or not. How do you do it? You can open a window, light a match, spray some air freshener, or turn on your Scentsy… but all of the above would risk him finding out that you’re trying to hide something, so make your move wisely.
Other ways of dealing the bathroom blues
There will be some times when you get so caught up with the call of nature that it takes precedence of what your guy may think of you. Here’s how you can handle that.
#7 Just laugh it off. If you suffer from bowel problems, IBS, or are simply sick of playing the number 2 game with your man, you just have to be honest with him. You can easily use humor to brush it off. Remember, it’s all about tone. If you act like you’re totally cool with it, then likely he’s going to be cool with it, or at least get used to the fact that sometimes… you’re gonna poop.
Say something post bathroom break like: “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you!” or if he’s about to go in, give your cutest smile, put your hand on the bathroom door and say: “Downstairs bathroom, babe.” Handling the situation like this may even allow you to impress your man with your poise. [Read: How to make your guy laugh and love your company]
#8 Use a second bathroom. This would make the whole situation a lot easier, so here’s to hoping your guy has a second bathroom. You’d do well to make that bathroom your own, even if it’s out of the way of the main floor or the bedroom. After a while, he’ll get the hint of why you’re going down there.
#9 Don’t ask, don’t tell. If your man doesn’t bring it up, perfect! If he does bring up your bathroom break? Give your best, aloof and sexy raise of your brow and say: “We don’t talk about that.” This will help maintain a shred of mystery about the situation, and help you keep your feminine wiles, all while giving him the idea that your #2 is not to be spoken of.
#10 Just be open about it, but warn him to stay back. If you’re on vacation, and you’re freaking out about the bathroom situation, you need to be open with your guy. Whether at home or on a trip, you need to tell him that you’re going to have your “alone” time now, and he’d better not count the minutes, listen for the sounds or go in there after you.