I once held my breath until my body couldn’t go without oxygen any longer and my face was red to see if that was enough to end the pain of being brokenhearted. It didn’t work. If anything, it only made living harder, because that day was the last day I felt anything.
I have been living in a state of nothingness and it’s what I imagine space is like. It feels infinite, like I’ll never feel again, and the thought of it never coming to an end only makes me think that this life will be long.
Sleep is the only thing that has been getting me through the day. It’s the only time I feel anything. I once dreamt of the day we moved in together. I look back and think of how stressful that day was for the both of us, but in my dream, we were happy to finally have a place to call our own and to start our lives in. We laughed and sang in the living room and, after a bit of picking up, still with unopened boxes on the kitchen floor, we laid together on the couch. You played video games and I read a book. It felt like a movie.
I woke up that morning in the same home alone and cold.
I live through my dreams, and I can’t exactly pinpoint the reason this keeps me going, being held in the past, but it’s in those moments that I feel most alive.
I remember what love was like and how warm your grasp felt after long work days. I remember the jokes and all the silliness that occurred in these walls over the years and I wish this was all present tense. I say I feel nothing anymore, but I feel nostalgia.
I feel cold and lonely in a world that you once lit up.
Love was more than someone to marry. Love was having someone who made life better every day, regardless of the fights and struggles. It was having someone to hold when the world was heartless. It was having someone to touch your back in reassurance when life was ruthless.
I appreciate you more now that you’re gone than when you were here with me in our home, but that’s usually how that works. I waited until it was too late and this is why I feel nothing. I don’t want to regret letting you walk away as much as I do.