My brain is looping these days. I can’t even sleep because of all the commotion upstairs. In my head, I relive every moment and analyze each conversation we had.
Useless, I know. But I can’t block my thoughts. Even if most of the time, I really want to.
All my thoughts revolve around the same question: “Why was I not enough?”
No matter how many times I pass it through my head, I am still unable to understand where exactly I went wrong because I was convinced I did everything right.
It seemed so simple and easy. All the ingredients for a successful relationship were there. Everything had to work well if there was enough love. If you had given everything you had.
If you were just yourself. If you had been brave. If you had trusted the person you were with.
If you were ready to compromise. If you lived in the moment and gave the best of yourself, it would have worked in the end.
Either way, it never worked. And I hate it to be so. I hate the fact that whatever I do is never enough.
I tried to stay true to myself and accepted you for what you really were. And let’s face it, you weren’t the easiest person to get along with, but I still loved you.
There were times when you gave me everything you had and others when you walked away so hard that I couldn’t reach you. However, my feelings and attitude towards you have never changed.
A moment of happiness with you made up for all the bad. It made me stronger. It made me try harder.
It made me want to experience even more of these moments. So I bet even more. I always tried to be the best version of myself.
I had a few bad days too. My emotions were crazy. I got angry, I was angry, I was afraid and I had doubts; overall, I was sad.
It was normal in my eyes. It had to be like that. It’s life, things happen and we have to manage them as best we can.
You had bad days too. You had horrible days and I saw them as something inevitable, something I had to help you get through.
I have always supported you. When all the odds were against you, when the storms arrived, I stayed there as firmly as during the happy days.
I was there to support you and believe in you, even if you were almost never there for me.
I did not know who gave more to whom. I gave the best of myself. I gave everything I had, selflessly, expecting nothing in return.
I was happy to make you happy. Your smile was all I wanted in exchange for my efforts.
Maybe I should have counted the things you returned to me. Maybe that’s where I was wrong.
I focused on you, on your feelings, on your happiness, to the point that I completely neglected myself. I got lost in loving you.
I really believe that is the only thing I misunderstood. Even you, you had no valid reason to leave me when hell was unleashed and you decided to end it between us.
I hate the fact that you left like that. Without any valid explanation so that I can sleep calmly at night.
I hate the fact that you abandoned us so easily. I hate the fact that you made me feel like I was wasting my time with you.
As if I was wasting my time with one-sided love, because I now understand that it was all me. All the love we had in our relationship came from me and I couldn’t love for two.
I hate that you made me feel worthless. I hate this feeling of hate in me.
I hate that you are always my main thought during the day, and that I cannot breathe properly. I hope it will pass soon.
It hurts so much to share everything with someone and only receive pain in return. But who would have thought that pain can help learning so much?
And through this pain, I gradually realize that whatever I can do, good or bad, it would never have been enough.