Most of us never see it coming. Above all, when we are in love, and we instantly become blind to everything that can jeopardize our happiness, what we call conscious denial.
Unfortunately, we only become aware of what has happened to us when the damage has already been done.
Then suddenly something opens our eyes, and all the things we have experienced seem horrible.
The truth is that they have always been horrible, but we have chosen to make them pretty.
This is what happens when emotional abuse surprises you. You never see it coming, you only feel the consequences.
How can your mind be ready to face something that you thought happened suddenly?
I know it’s impossible.
So you are facing one of the biggest challenges in your healing.
First, you look back, and you constantly ask yourself how you could have endured so much bullshit that he subjected you to.
You can’t believe what he did and how you reacted. You cannot believe the number of things that you have justified.
In retrospect, it is both absolutely ridiculous and sad.
But there is an important lesson that you have learned. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.
You cannot force someone to love you by loving them back.
Here is the lesson each of you should learn if you go out with someone (and suspect) that he is a disguised narcissist.
1. Everything revolves around him, and no one else
He only cares about himself. There is no sentence that does not contain the word “I”.
You will notice that when you go out with your friends, he only talks about him.
The whole conversation revolves around him. Even if someone starts talking about something else, they will use it to put themselves forward.
2. It’s like he says not otherwise
He never takes into account the opinions of others. When he decides something, it’s his way.
It’s like you don’t even exist in his world. You can speak and beg, he won’t even pay attention.
3. He manipulates you
He knows each of your movements; he knows each of your reactions.
Thanks to this, he can manipulate and control you to do exactly what he wants you to do.
And in the end, you will feel like you did what he wanted on purpose. This is how good he is a manipulator.
It is not the worst. No, the worst part is that he likes to see you bow to his will.
He is proud to have a nice and well mannered puppet who will do exactly what he wants.
4. He has two weights, two measures
When it comes to your life, there are more rules than you can imagine.
You have to make decisions throughout your life with care, making sure you don’t go wrong (he says).
But when it comes to him, the rules are different. All the things that you don’t have the right to do, he has the right to do.
When he makes a mistake for which you would be punished, it is not so serious.
5. The opinion of others is very important to him
He is very attached to his reputation. He always stands out because he must always be the most charming and kindest person you have ever met.
He doesn’t stop until he provokes this feeling in someone he has met.
If showing off means belittling another, he does it anyway because he doesn’t care who he should crush to appear the best.
6. You are solely responsible
Dismissing is his favorite game. He is never responsible for anything.
If you feel bad, it’s because you’ve done this to yourself. It’s never him.
He is the angel, and you are the devil. He has probably called you “bad” and “manipulative” several times, although you both know he is the bad guy, not you.
7. He’s the best
He always boasts of being the best, of doing everything better than anyone.
If you ask him, he is the master of the universe. He will admit it without any shame.
You know that people who have really accomplished something never boast about it. They keep it to themselves, and only if you insist they tell you, they will.
Well, you never have to ask him anything, he will brag about everything without any invitation.
8. feeds on negativity
Whenever he feels a positive energy, he will come as close as possible to you to empty everything.
At times like this, he even pretends to really love you. It pretends to want to make you happy.
So naturally, after each conversation with him, you feel emotionally exhausted.
Your positive energy is sucked dry, and all you have is negative energy.
9. He has a double personality
When you go out with other people, he is so charming and positive. Anyone who has the chance to speak to him will instantly appreciate it. It’s an angel.
But when you are just the two of you, his personality changes. It becomes dark and cruel, without compassion and without respect for you.
10. He can’t stand criticism
He’s a pro when it comes to criticizing others, especially you. He acts like he knows everything, and pretends to really want to help you.
In the opposite case, except for the fact that you really want to help him while he is only pretending, he does not listen.
He will not follow your advice because he truly believes that he is perfect as he is.
11. He is full of excuses
He expects you to drop everything when he needs you, but when you need him, he always has something better to do.
He always has an excuse for not doing what you want.
12. He dramatizes everything
Nothing is ever simple with him in your life.
You probably even wonder sometimes if you are not in a Spanish soap because all the situations are so similar. There are so many dramas going on.
13. needs to be validated all the time
Narcissists need to prove themselves, especially with those who doubt them.
It is something that bothers them constantly, and almost everything they do is to prove to everyone that they are perfect, that they have succeeded in life.
What he does is not because he wants to be a better man. It is not because he wants to prove himself that he can do it, but because he wants to boast to everyone that he is magnificent.
14. Only perfection matters
He won’t stop until he gets what he wants and the way he wants it. So nothing is good enough until it is perfect.
It’s a pretty bad personality trait, and it’s characteristic for narcissists because the pursuit of perfection means getting what you want at all costs – even if it means crushing people, they don’t care .
They will do whatever it takes.
15. He doesn’t understand empathy
You probably tried to talk to her about something that was bothering you. You probably didn’t get anything in return.
Your misery and suffering mean nothing to him because they do not concern him or directly affect him.
He only understands empathy when she has something to do with him. When another person suffers, he doesn’t care.
It will even refocus the conversation you have on your own person.
16. Has a defense mechanism
Believe it or not, there is a reason why all narcissists are bad and cold.
There must have been a trigger that made them like this, probably when they were still young.
A narcissist will run away if you accidentally crack him and understand why he acts the way he does.
They have huge emotional walls built around them, and they won’t tear them down for anyone.
They have learned that vulnerability is a sign of weakness that they cannot let anyone see.
17. breaks you and repairs you right after
It’s like one of his hobbies. In the normal world, the person who made you suffer, the one who broke you has no right to return to your life.
This person does not have the right to help you heal because it is because of them that you must heal.
The logical thing to do is to walk away from that person and face what is happening to you.
This is not the case when you are with a narcissist. A narcissist will break you and come back to comfort you.
You will be confused, but by the time you are broken, consolation is all you need, so naturally you take what you can get. This is the game he plays.
18. He never lets go of the past
Never. He remembers what you argued about a year ago.
It’s like he keeps a diary of everything you said or did wrong, and he makes sure you never forget it either.
Whenever you start an argument, it evokes the past.
There is a reason why he does this. If you have noticed, when you win the argument and he has nothing more to say, he takes out what you have done in the past and opens a Pandora’s box of arguments that never ends.
19. He Mistreats You Emotionally
When you love someone, the chances of them realizing that they are emotionally abusing you are very slim.
After being abused for a while, you get used to it. This behavior becomes normal for you.
After a while, you start looking for excuses for your partner.
You start to justify their behavior because you still love this person, and you hope that this is just a phase. And that it will stop.
He is aware of the fact that you love him, and he takes the opportunity to do whatever he wants because he knows that you will come back every time.
20. Love is no longer what you thought
He has convinced you by the way he treats you that love is a one-way street – you give and you get nothing in return.
It made you believe that this is what it is supposed to look like. Well, it isn’t!
Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone except themselves. Because to love someone, you must first love yourself.