Today we received our save the dates. All things considered, we wondered if we should be sending them out. Would they be considered an event to look forward to or another reminder of a world that may not exist come winter? Is it “tacky” to send out these symbols of an untarnished and unsullied December while death is rampant and so many suffer now?
Selfishly, for Kevin and I, this time should be full of love and celebration; instead, we are met with angst and trepidation. There is no question that these are strange times, but they are also full unchartered and potentially hazardous waters. We are asked to adapt to a world we have never known as we try to navigate through it gracefully, both socially and emotionally.
A paradoxical thought through these times: weddings. While they prove to be the most important and special time in many people’s lives, they now appear as significantly insignificant. It is just a party after all, right? Sure, claiming it anything else right now lacks tact and inspires guilt.
No matter which prism you see it through, this is a time that should be full of happiness and blissful anticipation for my fiancé and me; however, that has since been stripped from us and met with a hovering dark cloud, a “malevolent phantom” (a small allusion for all my American Lit people out there).
I spend most of my nights being thankful and positive, but I spend some of my nights being angry and guilty that I even consider this to be a “real” problem. I have always been told the magnitude of someone else’s problems has no bearing on your own, a concept that now seems outdated and even selfish. I tiptoe around my sadness, a sadness that at most times feels so baseless.
I still have my life, my health, my family, and the love of my life. My best friends, my job, a roof over my head, and the ability to GrubHub seven days a week. I am thankful every day.
With all of that said, I am trying to relieve myself of guilt and process my feelings. I try to insist that it is okay to be stressed out about save the dates and anxious that my winter wedding may not happen. It’s okay to focus on the small things, because the big things are out of my control and too great to be reckoned with.
It is not just the day of the wedding that is important, but the tiny events and triumphs that lead up to it. I want those, but are they truly what makes this time, the time before becoming a wife, so special? I am burnt out from considering all of the “what ifs” instead of concentrating on the love I receive each day from my best friend: my fiancé.
I have been fortunate enough to have sailed through a sea of bad relationships, which have propelled me to my person—something in itself that should be considered a victory. Not all people find love, but I did. Kind, compassionate, fruitful, and true love—isn’t that what this is all about?
Of course it is, but we are still allowed to grieve the loss of our happiest times. We are still allowed to make mistakes, be selfish, and feel sad our time is overshadowed by dark clouds and the pain our world is experiencing.
Just as my brother told me when the Mets lost the 2015 World Series, don’t wallow, but allow yourself to feel. Emotions are necessary, we will persevere, and we will (someday) have our wedding cake and eat it too.