”My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts like hell. I thought I was over them. I was sure they had disappeared from my mind, yet here I am, broken to the bone seeing them with someone new.”
This is what most people go through upon seeing their ex-partner in a new relationship. And if you can relate, this is for you.
Break-ups are complicated and that’s the understatement of the century. A heartbreak on its own is devastating enough but knowing that your ex already has someone new lined up brings a new level of pain.
After all, you shared so many precious, intimate moments that are now simply gone. And on top of that, your ex-partner doesn’t seem to miss you much at all.
Why are you feeling this way? Do you want your ex back or are you nostalgic for something that’s never coming back?
This Is Why Your Heart Is Breaking All Over Again
If you’re having a hard time dealing with your ex moving on with a new partner, this will shed some light on the real reasons why.
Your ego is getting bruised
At the same time, this is good and bad news. What’s good about it, you may wonder?
Well, it’s kind of obvious; this is not about suppressed emotions or you pining for your ex per se. This is about your ego taking a severe hit after seeing your ex move on.
You didn’t break up due to unresolved issues and you’re not obsessing over this out of romantic reasons. You have been replaced with a ‘newer model’ and it feels like crap.
Quite often, it happens that lingering emotions have nothing to do with seeing your ex dating someone else. Sometimes, it’s a bit more superficial than that.
It is possible that (deep down) you want your ex-partner to still have feelings for you, even though you’re not willing to reciprocate them. It’s what makes you feel desired.
It’s somewhat comforting to know that there is still someone out there pining for you. And that false illusion you’ve created in your mind is blown the moment you see your ex with a new love.
Long story short, you’re merely human! Just last month, I was having a hard time seeing my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend and we had been over for many months!
This person became your best friend and if your long-term relationship has only recently ended, of course seeing him with her is detrimental to your self-esteem.
It’s human nature wanting to go on social media and see how he stepped up and left you with a broken heart. But the next day, you have to make yourself face the music.
You’re currently in a rebound relationship
What constitutes a rebound relationship? Generally, it is known as a relationship one jumps into straight out of the most recent past relationship.
In most cases, it’s an escape route to avoid dealing with intricate issues post-break-up. You are distracting yourself (and shielding your heart) from the (inevitable) pain by focusing on a new boyfriend/new girlfriend.
Basically, you’re just in it to get away from your ex as quickly as possible. And at times, it works, but mostly, you’re just postponing the inevitable.
The first time I jumped into a rebound relationship, it was more complex than I could’ve anticipated. Why?
Because I never gave myself an actual shot at getting better. There was no healing process. It was all rushed, emotionless and cold.
I thought if I simply went no contact from the get-go, it would be easier but it ended up being one of the hardest things I went through.
I never really healed from the devastating break-up with whom I believed was my soulmate. I never really knew that one regular Tuesday afternoon would be the last time I ever kissed him.
When I saw him with a new girlfriend, someone I’ve known since high school, it all came to blows. I was texting him like crazy, asking how he could have done that to me and begged him to meet up for closure.
However, I never got it so I had to learn the hard way. The honest truth was that I was far from over him and the relationship I rushed into helped the matter in no way.
He was happy with his new girl and I was miserable, alone and lying to myself that I was okay.
If I can give you one piece of relationship advice, this is it:
Don’t jump into a new relationship straight out of a break-up, especially if your ex has already moved on. It’s going to make you realize a lot of really painful things. (Learn from my mistake.)
You’re questioning whether they were ever truly happy with you
I can’t tell you how many times I thought to myself: ”My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts like a mofo!”
I’d be scrolling through my social media accounts and accidentally spot a photo of him and his new squeeze. And I can’t put into words how much my heart would sink.
That used to be me. I used to be the girl he hugged so tightly with a smile from cheek to cheek. I used to be the one all over his Instagram page and the girl he sent millions of text messages a day.
Now, I am gone. There isn’t a trace of me on his social media accounts and it’s as if I never existed.
Our mutual friends didn’t tell me much (they never wanted to get involved) but I could tell that he was happy with her. Worse yet, it was a long-distance relationship and they were still thriving!
I had been right there but I just wasn’t enough for him. Was it all just a lie? Was I merely just another notch in his belt before he found who he really wanted to be with?
I can’t explain how many toxic thoughts rummaged through my head. I was on the verge of getting a new guy just to show him how little it affected me.
However, then I realized… What was the point? What would I achieve? What we had was special while it lasted. Yeah, it hurts that he’s gone but why belittle our love story just because it’s over?
I would only be hurting myself. So I stopped looking at his profiles and I stopped telling myself that I meant nothing to him. We broke up for a reason and he had moved on.
If I wanted to get better, I just needed to accept that and turn over a new leaf. Trust me, it’s so much easier that way.
Your ex-partner was your first real love
Even though your first love seldom proves to be your soulmate for life, they’re still a very significant part of your life. They are the one you went through all the ups and downs with.
That person is who taught you stuff about love that you couldn’t possibly grasp before. And it’s normal to feel protective of that after your relationship fizzles out.
In a way, you feel like you have rights over them and when you see them with a new partner, you get the feeling that they don’t deserve them or better yet, don’t belong with them.
First loves can be all sorts of complicated. With my first guy, I felt like he was it for me, as if there was nowhere else for me to go but toward him.
At the time, I had no idea how wrong I was but being with someone for the first time and then losing them makes you feel lost.
If your ex was your first real love, this could explain the sheer volume of pain you’re experiencing now. Your mental health might seem to be deteriorating because you’re pining for someone who was never meant to last.
It’s hard saying goodbye to a romantic love, especially one who played an enormous role in shaping us into who we are today.
Look at it this way; you met someone who ended up changing your life. You grew together, matured together and learned a lot through an array of mistakes and tiny victories.
That was an experience that will always be embedded in your memory. It didn’t last but so what?
You still have a whole future ahead of you. And because of the lessons you’ve learned with your first love, now, you’re more careful when entering new relationships.
Let your ex-partner do his thing and you do yours. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened!
It makes you feel like the break-up was all your fault
In relationships, both parties tend to invest copious amounts of effort and energy into making it work. And when it all blows into pieces and your ex moves on so easily, it can make you feel like an utter failure.
Seeing your ex with their new squeeze brings back all the memories of what could’ve been but never was. It reminds you of how much you (supposedly) failed and this plays with your mind.
It also leads you to think: “My ex is dating someone new already and it hurts so much. I am such a complete failure!”
Keep this in mind when such vicious thoughts occupy your mind: Your ex is bound to show their true colors at some point.
It is only a matter of time before they pull the same thing on their new partner that they did to you.
Don’t suppress all of their shortcomings just because they’re seemingly so happy now. Remind yourself of how emotionally unavailable they were.
Think back on all the ways they made you feel unloved and invisible. Everyone can appear happy at first glance but no one knows what happens behind closed doors but them!
Don’t diminish yourself just because they look happy on paper.
One day (it could be tomorrow or in a year), you’re going to meet the person you’re truly meant to be with and when you do, this person will stop mattering altogether.
Why not speed up the process? Why not realize how utterly irrelevant your ex and who they’re seeing are? It has no bearing on your current life.
Break-ups happen for a multitude of reasons. Haven’t you heard that it takes two to tango?
You are still grieving your past relationship
People try to fool themselves into believing that they’ve moved on and that there is zero emotional attachment left.
However, the honest truth is that you might need a little extra time to rid yourself of all the pain you haven’t fully processed.
You may have consciously moved forward but that doesn’t erase the grief that’s left in your heart. The pain doesn’t simply dissolve without a trace.
In your heart, you may still be fully attached to this person without even realizing how deeply traumatizing the break-up was on you.
My advice is to carve out some much-needed me time and allow yourself to clear out all the negative emotions you may feel.
Think long and hard about the current state of your mind and how you truly feel upon the mention of your ex.
Does it give you anxiety when you think: ”My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts,” or can you remain calm, collected and with a rational head?
Take all the time you need to process what transpired between you two. Nobody can rush the healing process.
Take a step back and reevaluate where you are. If your heart is still aching for your past relationship, let it find peace at its own pace.
It’s okay to grieve something that once meant a great deal to you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you want your ex back; it just means that you need some more time to be okay on your own again.
And guess what? One day, you’ll be okay. Your heart won’t sink when you see them again and you’ll be able to smile without swallowing tears.
Be brave. We are all on our own unique journey to happiness.
You’re wondering why you weren’t enough
Being an ex-girlfriend sucks. Seeing your ex in the warm embrace of a new person brings out something inside of you that you didn’t know existed.
It leaves you feeling inadequate, hollow, not smart enough and not funny enough.
And it leaves such a bitter taste in your mouth that never really goes away, not until you are fully okay and with someone new who actually makes you happier than you ever were with your ex.
But until that happens, you can’t help but wonder why you weren’t enough.
You opened up your heart and gave them a piece of you that they ultimately couldn’t appreciate. You made yourself be vulnerable like you never were before, just to see that it didn’t matter.
Here they are today, happy, fulfilled and as if no hearts were broken in the process. When did you stop mattering?
You can’t help but wonder why couldn’t that have been you? How close were you to being their one true love? What should you have done differently for them to stay?
Do you know what? The answer is absolutely nothing. You were a good partner, a kind one, and you cared more than you should’ve.
You put in the effort on a daily basis and you always put their well-being first. Their needs trumped your own and you would’ve gone to the ends of the earth for them and they still left.
What does that tell you? They weren’t worthy of your time, love or effort. You are going to be enough for a person who deserves you. And that person will come!
When they do, there will be no more second-guessing or diminishing your own worth. You’ll be content and at peace just the way that you are.
What Should You Do When Your Ex Is With Someone Else?
Don’t allow yourself to react negatively
No matter what happens, don’t let your heart get the better of you. Remain calm and collected. Think about your reaction before you make a scene or cause yourself any unnecessary pain.
Negative emotions can so easily overflow your mind and create a toxic environment that will suffocate you. Resist the urge to react poorly and instead, walk the other way.
Instead of thinking: ”My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts so much, when will the pain stop?” allow yourself to feel sad for a minute then pick yourself up, call your bestie and let them help you see your worth.
Avoid any mention of your ex-partner
Don’t think about them, don’t talk about them and don’t let anyone fill your head with any information about them.
Let that person evaporate from your mind and eventually, you’ll stop thinking about them altogether. It’s funny how the mind works. When you force yourself to erase someone from your memory, it ends up doing the trick.
It takes a little bit of effort that I know isn’t easy but it’s all for the sake of successfully moving on toward a healthier, happier future. Put your mental health first and your negative thoughts second.
Prepare yourself for a sense of loss in order to move on
Letting go is excruciating and takes lots of willpower and strength so I encourage you to prepare yourself for a looming sense of loss that will inevitably pervade your mind.
Regardless of how damaging, toxic or exhausting the relationship was, it was still a big part of your life that you have now lost.
Acknowledge the pain, feel it and don’t be afraid of your emotions. It’s never easy seeing your ex with someone new but once you make peace with this new situation in your head, moving on will become easier.
Alleviate the stress from your mind by being prepared for the feelings that might overcome you at times.
And then, instead of thinking: ”My ex is dating someone else already and it hurts like hell,” you’ll be able to see it from a rational point of view.
They are happy with someone new and one day you will be too. And that’s all there is to it. Chapter closed!