I think about these years often, especially now, wondering if I did things wrong. Almost asking myself, “Did my heart ruin my reputation?” Yes, I hold on too long. I believe too much. I know it isn’t the best way to live but it isn’t the worst way to live either.
If you never understood it, I hope that you will. Holding on was not always about getting what I wanted. It was more about keeping you in my life. It would be simply unfair to say that I ruined that chance by not accepting that you will love other people. If I could accept that, maybe I have been lying about loving you all this time. Not being able to stomach your love for someone else is not the same as not wanting you to be happy. It is just impossible to be close when you can’t be close enough. Not when you have loved that hard. When I have loved you to the moon and back.
Now, I know that I’ve stayed too long and I wonder what it would feel like to go. How far do you have to go until you feel like strangers all over again? I guess we begin with acknowledging the space we have created. Then, I’ll run out of words to say. And I’ll say, “I loved him” instead of “I love you.” Is that enough to lead us somewhere new? Enough to lead us to nothing.
I don’t know. But this is my white flag waving higher than all the stars I wished upon for you. This is my apology for never surrendering until now. I was stubborn but forgive me. Now, here we are at the ending and I am missing the beginning. Once upon a time, you were the perfect stranger.