What happened ? Everything seemed to be fine one day, and then suddenly he fled and was afraid.
He said that everything was going too fast and that it was encumbering him. He said he felt lost. That he had lost track of who he was and what he wanted.
So he asked me if I could give him time to understand what it was.
I said I would give him all the time he needed, even if everything in me was screaming NO. I didn’t want us to be separated.
I didn’t need time. I knew what I wanted, he was the one I wanted and I had absolutely no doubt about it.
But what was I supposed to do? Force him to stay? It was not an option.
I would have done anything for him, I would have moved mountains to make him happy, I would have been ready to compromise, but the only thing I would never have done was beg him to stay when he wanted to leave.
And although his wishes broke my heart, I had no choice but to fulfill them.
I couldn’t stop him physically, I couldn’t run after him shouting how great I was, how good we were together, how many other amazing things were waiting for us.
I couldn’t because it made no sense; he was supposed to know that already.
And if he didn’t feel the same as I did, I had no choice but to let him do it and hope deep down that my absence would really make me grow in his heart.
I hoped. But I prepared for the worst.
I tried to be rational about all the pain that went through me.
I knew things could go both ways, that he might never come back and that I could lose him for good.
I wanted to fight for us. I wanted to call him.
I wanted to text. I wanted to go knock on his door in the middle of the night and yell at him because he was so stupid and heartless to let me go.
I wanted him to kiss me, take me in his arms, calm me down and tell me that he was going nowhere, that he was here to stay.
I wanted to do it more than anything, but I decided to be stronger than myself.
I remembered all the real examples from my friends who had experienced similar situations.
They ran after their partners as if there was nothing else in life.
They sent text messages even when their messages were ignored. They would call until there is nothing more to do or until they get angry.
They did everything they could to keep them a little longer in their lives, but that made them even more distant from each other and there was no turning back.
I told myself that, whatever my decision, I ran the same risk of losing it.
Would I miss him if I left him alone? Would he be aware that he loved me?
I really couldn’t answer this question.
But I chose this path. I chose to respect her wishes and see what would happen.
I felt that I would at least have my dignity if things did not go as I wished.
I decided to pretend we had broken up and there was nothing I could really do.
I was so sad that words could not describe it, but I knew there was no other way. I must have mourned all my lost love.
I had to put my life back on track and see who I was without him, who I was when he was not part of my life.
That’s exactly what I did. I started to rebuild myself, to rebuild my life, my dreams.
Of course, it was anything but easy. I have had ups and downs.
I had days when I lay in bed, awake, unable to get it out of my head.
I had days when I fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow. I have had days when I couldn’t move.
I have had days when I conquered the world. But it’s all part of the process of life.
Once I finally turned the page, once I made the peace that we were in the past, a shocking thing happened … He started chasing me.
He realized that he was freaking out.
That he had just been afraid. But at that time, it was I who did not know what to say.
I was the one whose heart had been broken into millions of little pieces.
I was the one who had to put all these pieces together.
It was also me who still loved him with each of these broken pieces.
This is why, after a certain time of perseverance and struggle to recover, I gave him another chance.
Even today, I have not regretted it and I hope never to regret it.