I know that I told you once that I would always love you. That no matter what might happen in our lives, part of my heart would always belong to you. I wasn’t lying when I said it- and I think that’s partially true. But there was an unspoken undertone that we both held onto. “You can always come back. I’ll always let you back into my life because I love you.”
I wanted that to be true, and for the longest time I thought it was. No matter what happened between us, no matter how many times you hurt me, no matter how many times you let me down, I would always let you back in. I would tell myself this time things would be different, even if there were no signs to prove it. I would reason with myself that no one comes back to a person this many times without caring for them at least a little. That if I waited long enough, you’d realize I’d been the person who had always been there for you, and you would actually want to stay.
Yet instead, we would go through the same old patterns. The excuses, the arguments, the desire for others, the refusal to communicate. We would swear we were magic one moment, then claim we were a mistake the next. I would cry for nights on end because you would disappear without a trace, and just when I started to feel okay again, you would reappear- all apologies and explanations. I would tell myself I didn’t need you, but I knew I wanted you. So I would buy into all the sweet things you said. I would open up my arms again and say “this is what love looks like- always being open, never turning them away.”
I did this for years, and simply accepted that this was my fate- that my love for you was too strong, and that I would never have the resolve to fully let you go the way I knew I needed to.
Yet this time, something in me finally broke. Because now, I don’t want you to come back.
Because I recognize that while everyone has their issues, and it’s okay to want to be there for someone as they work through them, that person has to want to be different. They have to not only want it, but they have to do something about it. They can’t just tell you how sorry they are. They can’t just shrug their shoulders and say this is how they are and not do anything to fix themselves. When someone wants to do those things, then they actually work on them. They don’t constantly put you through situations that leave you feeling worthless. They don’t make promises that they won’t keep.
It’s okay that you have things to work on. You’re human, just like me. Yet it’s not okay to keep giving me hope that this time things will change, especially when you know they haven’t. It’s also up to me to finally shut the door and not give you the chance to let me down, again. I have to set boundaries for myself, because you don’t have my best interests at heart. You might care about me, but not enough to be the partner I need- and not enough to let me go. So I’m making the choice for myself to finally accept that we aren’t right for each other, and that it’s time to end the constant circles we’ve been running.
Even if you wanted to come back, even if somehow things were different this time, you’ve shattered all the trust I had in you. Even if you were able to be there for me now, I wouldn’t be able to welcome it. I have spent so long believing in you when you didn’t live up to it- now I have nothing left. After years of hoping, I finally have reached the end. Things have changed now, and I can’t pretend like everything we’ve been through hasn’t happened. I will be expecting the worst, and will never be able to be comfortable. You’ve broken my heart too many times, and it doesn’t even fit right in your hands anymore. I can tell it doesn’t belong there, and that honestly it never did.
I believe I meant it when I said I would always love you. Maybe that will be true, because love has a funny way of still being present, even when you aren’t with the person anymore. Yet I also know that doesn’t mean I need to let you come back into my life again. It doesn’t mean I owe you another chance.
Because in the end, all the chances I gave you to be present, to love me the way I needed, and to work together to create something beautiful were wasted. You had every opportunity, and you chose to walk away, over and over again. So now, it’s my turn to walk away. To finally let my heart heal from the constant breaking it’s gone through, and to open it up to someone else whenever it’s ready.
I may love you for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean you have to be part of it anymore.